Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about March Madness 2026, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
March Madness 2026: Bracket busters galore
… Which is why I’ll be watching the Final Four at home, as will most of my picks.
Denver touts the Original Cannabis Tours as the highest rated attraction in town
Denver’s the only city where the altitude and the people are both a mile high.
Swedish swimmers warned over testicle-biting Pacu fish’
Wow, a fish that likes Swedish meatballs!
Massive protests against Trump across US on ‘No Kings’ day
Word is, Trump praised the No Kings Day when he thought it was about Martin Luther King Jr.
Microsoft Set for Worst Quarter Since 2008
Word.
Secret Service agent assigned to Jill Biden accidentally shoots himself in leg at airport
In fairness, she’s married to a guy who regularly shoots himself in the foot.
Happy 67th birthday, Flavor Flav
I’m sure you’re still busy turning all those clocks ahead.
Justin Timberlake jailed in leaked DUI body cam footage
… While the other former members of N Sync can’t get themselves arrested.
A website ranks Mississippi as the sluttiest state
Guess you really can get lots of ‘S’ in Mississippi
‘Melania’ suffers devastating final box office tally
… Bombed any bigger and Trump would threaten Iran with it.
Cockroaches have distinct personalities
… And, corner offices at most law firms.
Founder of Only Fans dies at 43
He will have an open casket, but it will cost 49.95 to look inside.
Owners of Southern California towing empire arrested in $6 million fraud scheme
Dad joke alert: Looks like someone got carried away…
Play ball! It’s opening day for Major League Baseball
… Although, Matt Gaetz still prefers the minors.