5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever | HumorOutcasts

5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

December 1, 2011
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I think it’s cool when radio stations change their play lists to holiday music 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – it really gets you in the holiday spirit!

But let’s be honest, not all Christmas songs are created equally – many are not even remotely related to the tenets of the holiday. To make that point, I’ve compiled my list of 5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever:

5. I Believe in Father Christmas – this dirge-like, sacrilegious jingle written and performed by Greg Lake from Emerson, Lake and Palmer is more like a postmodern anti-Christian anthem than a cheery tribute to the winter solstice holiday. When you check out the lyrics HERE you can’t ignore its nihilistic leanings and hopeless tonality. Here’s the most depressing stanza to me:

They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on earth
Hallelujah noel be it heaven or hell
The Christmas you get you deserve

Please pass the Prozac – What the heck does that have to do with Joy, Peace and Goodwill toward men??  Actually, it completely undermines the premise of the holiday. Lake might as well have written “Jingle Hells Bells” or “Satan Claus is Coming to Town.”

4. These are a Few of My Favorite Things – this is NOT a Christmas song. It’s from the of Sound Music and I can’t for the life of me figure out how this song jumped from the rolling hills of Austria into the western Christmas psyche. If you review the lyrics HERE , there are no direct references to Christmas except the vague mention of sleigh bells and snowflakes on eye lashes. The only possible reference to Christmas might be “…brown paper packages tied up with string…” but that could just as easily be referring to a UPS shipment of medication for rickets and not Saint Nicholas.

3. Last Christmas – this song was written and performed by George Michael in the late 1980s when he was still a member of the group WHAM and had yet to be convicted of misdemeanor charges of lewd exposure of himself in a Beverly Hills public men’s room in 1998. If you read the lyrics HERE, you’ll see that this song has more to do with depression and seasonal affective disorder rather than the birth of Christ or even Jolly Old St. Nick.

2. Frosty the Snowman – here’s another one of those songs that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Check the song’s lyrics HERE. The only vague reference to Christmas is snow, yet it doesn’t mention any of the traditions of Christmas. However, it goes to great lengths to describe Frosty’s vandal tendencies running “here and there all around the square” brandishing a weapon (ok, it’s broomstick) until he nearly assaulted a police officer, forcing the officer to yell STOP (ok, that last bit is a bit of an exaggeration) – still it’s not a Christmas song.

1. Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey – as an Italian-American this insipid song is not only idiotic it’s offensive. If you review its lyrics HERE, you’ll note that it contains virtually every cliche and Italian stereotype with the exception of the word Ba-Da-Bing or Tony Soprano. The only way to fix this song would be the addition of a Godfather reference where the Christmas Donkey Dominick gets its head loped off, and it’s left in the silk sheets of the misguided music producer who conceived this piece of Christmas music drivel – now that’s a merry thought right there!

Question: What’s your least favorite holiday song? What’s your favorite?

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Tor Constantino is a former journalist and current PR guy who lives near Washington, DC. He has worked for Fortune 500 companies, CBS Radio, Clear Channel Radio, ABC-TV and CBS-TV affiliates. He has authored his first non-fiction book “A Question of Faith”  and he blogs regularly at The Daily ReTORt.

 

Tor Constantino

I’m an ex- journalist, current PR guy, husband, dad, marathoner and blogger with more than 20+ years writing experience. Sometimes my stuff is funny – at least that’s what my 6-year old tells me. I also have a mild case of coulrophobia – trust me that is not a laughing matter. I blog at http://www.thedailyretort.com.

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10 Responses to 5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    December 2, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I really, really hate “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.” Whenever it comes on the radio, which is about a hundred times a day, I want to tear my ears from my head.

    At least “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” is funny … if you only have to hear it once or twice.

    • December 2, 2011 at 11:28 am

      Ugh! HJChristmas is horrible – with all due respect to the dead, Burl Ives always creeped me out….

  2. December 2, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Love “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders and Stevie Nicks’ “Silent Night”. And I think I was pretty much over “The Little Drummer Boy” by age 3.

    • December 2, 2011 at 11:30 am

      Great comment Lisa – you mentioned the Pretenders, have you ever heard Chrissie Hynde’s solo xmas song, “Christmas in DC?” It’ll make you cry for all the wrong reasons….

  3. December 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I hate “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney. Makes me want to take the knife out of the Christmas turkey and stab it into the side of my head.

    • December 2, 2011 at 11:32 am

      Eric, you and me both – why couldn’t he have just been satisfied with the success of the Beatles and left it at that?

  4. December 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Yay!!!! I was hoping you would post this. I have to say I love Frosty. LOL, but I am glad you didn’t blast Grandma got run over by a reindeer because nothing says Christmas like hit and run reindeer incident.

    • December 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm

      Indeed! That song truly plays into the spirit of giving…namely giving blunt blows about the head and neck to the songwriter and performer….

  5. Deb Martin-Webster
    December 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    HAHAHAHA! Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey I just read the lyrics. It ranks right up there with, Grandmaw Got Run Over by a Reindeer!!

    • December 2, 2011 at 12:16 pm

      Absolutely. The diversity of bad Christmas music, reinforces the idea that there’s a spectrum of “pain” that must be endured during the holidays….



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