A White Man’s Guide to the History of Rap Music

Prepare to Have Your Nizzle Shizzled, Bro!

Having grown up on the mean streets of white suburbia, I have always kind of been a little on the edge which has kept me in tune with my brothas of anotha cula. Unfortunately, most of my white friends, many of whom still think a ho is a gardening implement, haven’t a clue about black culture. As a service to these dumbass crackers, I bring you a white man’s guide to the history of rap music. After reading this, I guarantee they’ll be jonesin’ for some fu-shnicken.

1926
Just like its athletic cousin (the game of basketball) the art of speaking in rhyme (which would later evolve into the black-dominated music genre known as “rap”) is ironically invented by a white doctor—in this case a physician named Seuss who angrily declares to his terrified wife that “I do not like green eggs and ham, Sam I am. Now make me some pancakes, be-otch!”

1985
On their way to the NFL Championship, the Chicago Bears release “The Super Bowl Shuffle”–a rap video featuring many of the team’s top players. In an effort to show there is no “color” in “team,” several white players are allowed to perform in the video. This display of team unity backfires when during one of the more difficult shuffling sequences, a couple of the white guys end up with their legs entangled putting both players out for the season and prompting NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle to put a ban on all integrated videos. The following year, the New York Giants put out two videos: “We Gonna Kick Yo Mofuggin’ Ass!” and “Good Golly Dear Jesus, I Sure Hope We Win the Game.”

1986
Much debate is sparked among constitutional experts when three obnoxious young men from New York angrily insist our founding fathers guaranteed each of us the inalienable right to party.

1987
The first documented shizzling of a nizzle occurs in Compton, California. More than 50 people are arrested.

1988
Apparently not at all impressed with such songs as “Roxanne” and “Every Breath You Take,” NWA releases “Fuck Tha Police.”

1990
In an attempt to confuse white people, black Americans vote overwhelmingly to change the name of rap music to hip hop. It works.

1991
Vanilla Ice is officially listed as “Maybe Chinese or something like that” by the US Census Bureau when neither blacks nor whites are willing to claim him.

1992
Unable to bear the burden of living a twisted lie any longer, a contrite Sir Mix-A-Lot finally admits his fondness for big butts. Americans are stunned.

1993
Despite uncertainty of what exactly “it” is, we as a nation overwhelmingly agree that indeed, whoomp, there it is.

1995
A copy of his birth certificate reveals that MC Hammer is neither an MC nor a hammer causing many in the hip hop community to ask if he is legit and ultimately forcing the former Grammy winner to quit.

1997
The rap world mourns the loss of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls in separate drive-by hunting accidents and a world-wide search begins for more people who can rhyme words while simultaneously grabbing their crotches. FOX takes advantage of the situation with a new TV series called “America’s Next Person Who Can Rhyme Words and Simultaneously Grab His or Her Crotch.” Hosted by Nipsey Russell, the show, featuring celebrity judges Muhammad Ali, Jesse Jackson and Maya Angelou, is cancelled after one season when an 83-year-old Jewish grandmother from Queens wins the competition.

1998
Despite his bold claims of gettin’ jiggy wit it, hip hop aficionados find little evidence that Will Smith has ever gotten jiggy wit anything and order him to turn in his jiggy card. The disgraced ex-rapper turns to a life of acting where gettin’ jiggy wit it is purely optional.

2000
One of the most annoying songs in modern music history, apparently inspired by an unknown individual making an ill-advised decision to let the dogs out, hits the top of the charts.

2002
The Black Eyed Peas introduce millions of white males to the world of hip hop by featuring a smokin’ hot white chick dressed in slutty outfits. Oh, and some guys are in the band too… I think. There are a couple guys, right?

2009
Sean Puffy Combs officially changes his name to Chad Ochocinco-Diddy.