High on Amurica and Her Inflation | HumorOutcasts

High on Amurica and Her Inflation

August 29, 2013
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My name is Jason Elia, and on occasion, I do drugs.

How many of you have ever done drugs?

None of you?

Really?

Okay, that’s cool. You know straightedge is really in right now. Congrats to you all.

I have no problem admitting that I’ve smoked, snorted and popped drugs. Never used a needle though, needles scare me. Well except that one time, but I was visiting my friend at work and he’s a doctor. That was a good time. Makes me wish I had gone to med school. I could’ve, I got a 42 on my MCAT… I feel I’ve stumbled off topic.

What was this post suppose to be about again?

Little Debbie Snack Cakes!!!

Okay, let me explain. I was trying to figure out how lesbians have sex. And not the type of lesbian sex you see in porn, but real lesbian sex. Because I want the scene in this film I’m writing to be honest. Anyway, I had smoked a very popular drug who shall remain nameless. She was medical grade in fact. (That’s some Alanis style irony there.) And by the time I got to part where eating became involved, I got hungry.

So, I decided to take a break and walked a block to a gas station. Because that’s just where you go for times like these.

I loaded down my arms with everything that would make my condition well know to anyone with half a brain and walked up to the lovely cashier who looks like George Clooney, he gave me a smile that would melt any straight mans heart and proceeded to do his job. I went to hand him my card to pay for my bounty and he refused to run it claiming the “system was down.” (Fuck the system.)

Not to fear though, we all still carry cash. (Note the sarcasm.)

I find myself digging through my pockets, and then checking my car seats, because I have this magical car that follows me around. I mean seriously, I said walked. My car is magic. Get over your jealousy of my awesome magic follow me car.

Too which I could only come up with two not so shiny quarters. So I had George, minus all my goodies except two Little Debbies. And my new total was…. ONE DOLLAR!!!

Since when have single wrapped Little Debbie Snack Cakes cost more than twenty-five cents a piece?!

I proceeded to disregard other customers to pull out my soapbox (one that will no doubt one day place me in The Oval Office of this fair country) and stood tall. I gave a speech that I don’t clearly remember; that was full of spirit and platitudes that will no doubt resonate in young Clooney’s mind for years to come, that easily rivaled that of MLK’s “I have a dream”, Reagen’s “Tear Down This Wall” and whatever JFK said to get Marilyn Monroe into bed.

And by the time I finished… the credit card system was back up and I got all of my munchies.

(And yes I realize the Alanis Morissette song had nothing to do with irony. Just like my reference. Feel free to laugh now.)

 

Jason Elia

I wrote the novella Elliston. Stephen Baldwin once said my words in a movie I wrote. And I'm your Jedi James Dean in flip flops.

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2 Responses to High on Amurica and Her Inflation

  1. August 30, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    The system always tries to keep us from getting out munchies on.

  2. August 29, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    I thought we discussed you not doing this stuff anymore! Tsk Tsk! The post was very funny, but I am putting my foot down!



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