Based on how much she cried when I took them away from her, my 11 month old’s new favorite food is batteries.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2013
I’m not sure why men like women in glasses. Either they want kids with bad eyes or they can only score w/ girls who can’t see them clearly.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2013
My wife wants to drive during a family road trip next weekend. If the paramedics ask, my blood type is O negative.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2013
A grope is just a hug with my fingers.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2013
Your name didn’t slip my mind. I deliberately purged it from my memory. My selective amnesia has a passive-aggressive streak.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2013