I used to get my wife drunk so I could get lucky. Now I get her drunk so she’ll fall asleep and I can get even drunker.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2013
I love when law-breaking public officials get suspended with pay. Nothing deters criminals like giving them vacations on their full salary.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2013
I’m not the best parent, but at least I’ve never put my kids on a leash. I don’t need to. I never let them out of their cages.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2013
I’m sorry, but your boobs are way too small to justify a personality that awful. Your options are surgery or a total attitude adjustment.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2013
My 3-year-old now answers every question by saying, “Of course.” Is it annoying? Let me ask her.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2013