Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Bill Gates STI, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Bill Gates STI, ‘tryst’ charges came during dispute Epstein mediated
Apparently, Bill Gates has been playing XXX Box.
Speed skating at 2026 Milano Cortina: How it works, US stars to watch
Maybe it’s just me, but speed skating is wrong. It’s hard enough to skate when you’re not on speed.
Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl role breaks barriers and sparks debate
Yeah, like how dare a guy sing in Spanish in a place named Santa Clara.
Trump took down offensive post of the Obamas
… Time until Susan Collins says she’s sure Trump learned his lesson? 5,4,3,2 …
The Washington Post fires nearly a third of its news staff
Bezos now owns the Washington Post Mortem.
Hank Aaron would’ve turned 91 today
And it wouldn’t have required an asterisk!
Timothy Busfield indicted on child sex abuse charges by New Mexico grand jury
Is he looking at “thirty something to life”?
NEW: CATO institute finds that immigrants pay MORE in taxes than they receive in benefits in EVERY SINGLE YEAR since 1994
The Green Hornet’s sidekick has an institute. Oh wait …
Oklahoma now requires divorcing parents to attend a mandatory ‘divorce school’
Damn. the prom is gonna be real awkward.
A Pennsylvania man was charged with trying to steal a rack of ribs by stuffing them down his pants
… Guessing he took too literally the term “ribbed for your pleasure.”
Weight-loss drugs draw thousands of lawsuits alleging serious harm
… To fast food restaurants.
Border Patrol boss Gregory Bovino tossed from Las Vegas bar
Probably tried to run up a tab and have Mexico pay for it.
Hobby Lobby still covers vasectomies And Viagra
Hopefully, in that order.
Snow plow driver allegedly did ‘3 bumps of cocaine’ before wild ride that smashed porch and garage
Now, we’re a talking a real snow blower.
Blood donors receive a text message when their blood is used
For some the news is positive, for others it’s negative.
Denmark refuses to enter negotiations with the U.S. over the sale of Greenland
Look for Trump to rename it “Pussyland,” and then, just grab it …