No, I’m not going to talk about sexually satisfying your wife. I’m going to advise you on something worlds more important than sex.
Once while my wife was away for a few hours, I did laundry and even cleaned the dryer’s lint trap, but instead of being lauded, yea celebrated, by my wife, she said, “Why is there lint dust all over the top of this dryer?” Now, it had never occurred to me to clean off the top of the dryer, for one simple reason: I’m a MAN. But even so, I do want Carolyn to think of me as at least a barely adequate husband. So the next time I cleaned the lint trap, I also cleared the dust off the dryer top. But here’s where preserving your manhood comes in. I’m now going to reveal something I never told my beloved. I noticed that while lint dust showed prominently on the bright white top of the dryer, it was hardly noticeable at all if it happened to fall onto the beige tile floor below. So now I just use the side of my hand to wipe the dust onto the floor. Problem solved. Problem solved—like a man!
Another personal example that I hope helps all men everywhere concerns how I do dishes when Carolyn is off visiting relatives for a week or two. After a few days, the kitchen looks like a cave with piles of bones stacked up. (I wonder if our dishes could be bone china.) I usually email her at this point and write, “When are you coming home? I’m almost out of dishes.” My brothers, I find it much easier to put in an entire day of housecleaning if I’ve already displayed some testosterone with such clearly sexist joking around. And because I actually have cleaned up by the time she gets home, she usually lets me think I’ve gotten away with it. This time.
Now although I’ve been defending a manly man’s right and duty to protect his manhood in all manner of testosteroney ways, it’s also possible instead to redefine just what “manhood” means. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in 36 years of marriage it’s that if a man is to have any chance of staying a married man, it’s absolutely crucial that he. work. out. I’m not talking about lifting weights at the gym. I don’t get all that worried if Carolyn tells one of her girlfriends, “No, Bill doesn’t work out.” But I know I’m doomed if I ever hear her whisper on the phone, “Bill just. isn’t. working. out.”
The San Diego Zoo recently published a photo of a momma otter holding up her new baby to show it off to visitors. Standing close next to them is the momma’s mate, holding up, equally proudly, his favorite stone. That male otter is my hero—standing by his beloved, and by his family, while at the same time hanging on … to his stones.
(My thanks to Wildacres Retreat, where this essay was written.)
Such wisdom one seldom sees, until, if at all, the philosopher is at the very end of life itself. You are so far ahead of the pack/herd/meerclub, however these things group, Bill. Thanks for sharing.
P.S.: my first impression was an image of a bowling lesson.
Bowling lesson! Rob, you have insight to spare.
I think it was Albert Einstein who said, “It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
I learn so much from you, Bill Y.
I don’t know if I even want to discuss this, for fear of my wife finding out I’m exactly like you. The internet is like a wife’s memory of an argument: It lives forever.
You’re funny.