I’m Sweating Like a Brewery Horse

Image 3“Real” Author: Noah Vail, horse extraordinaire assisted by Mary Farr

It’s hot around here. Yes I know it’s that time of year when Minnesotans love to say, “Just wait until January dearie. You’ll be singing a different tune.” Frankly, last winter hung around until Memorial Day. That’s when the sun came out and our home sweet home turned into a 100 acre convection oven. Now I’m one toasty horse dreaming of a skinny dip in Painter’s Creek.

So, I decided to convene our Climate Relief and Recreation Corps. We appointed resident Shire, Sven as facilitator due to his calm approach to weather. While most Minnesotans obsess about meteorology, Sven rarely notices anything less than a tornado. He also runs a snappy meeting.

“Let’s begin with a list of hot weather supplies,” he declared with draft horse authority. “Anybody care to offer some creative ideas besides shuffling cards or viewing pre-season, football?”

“How about stirring up a few gallons of raspberry ice tea and a beach umbrella?” murmured Fortuna’s elegant dressage maven, Ms. Fendi.

“You’re on,” said Sven. “Let me know if I need to order ice.”

“And a garden hose to help construct a proper mud hole,” added Gabe the cribbage whiz. Gabe happens to be big on cribbage and small on personal hygiene, so a muddy mess would be top of mind for him.

“You find the hose, and I’ll find the faucet,” declared Sven, who was just hitting his stride as committee chair.

“How about two or three of those big construction fans to cool down our rooms,” shouted Omar. “Or, we could hold a wet horse blanket contest and invite the Anderson mares from Maple Plain,” he added with a sly grin.

Good grief, the dew point has addled his brain. Ms. Fendi would report us to the bad taste police for a stunt like that. Next he’ll be inviting Madeleine Albright to a mud- wrestling match, and we’ll all end up in the poky. That’s when it occurred to me that someone had better give Gloria Steinhorse a call to discuss all things feminine. Perhaps she could offer guidance on gender- sensitive hot weather events. If not, maybe she’d like to enter the wet horse blanket competition.

Well, everyone left the meeting with an assignment, and I’m pleased to say our hot weather plan is shaping up nicely. Ms. Fendi is enjoying a round of bridge with her dressage chums under a large umbrella. Meanwhile, Gabe has spent the past two days flopped in the mud memorizing his cribbage Cliffs Notes. Omar is still waiting for a call from Gloria Steinhorse, and I’m enjoying a spa day and a snooze in front of my new fan. Ah… the comforts of cool!

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