The Internet recently reported the passing of Colonel Meow. Dubbed “The World’s Angriest Cat”, the Colonel had 350,000 followers on Facebook. Which is approximately 349,700 more than most of us have.
I think we’re all starting to realize that social media and the Internet really aren’t about us. For every national uprising assisted by Twitter and Facebook, there’s at least a thousand sites dedicated to cute cats. And if you need more proof, consider the fact that no one (not even the Chinese government) blocks cat-photo sharing sites. Probably because that’d fuel an uprising enabled by Twitter and Facebook.
I’m sure the Colonel was really a sweetie. But I’ve actually met the world’s most hostile cat. A few summers ago a friend asked me to feed his kitten while he was away. It was the height of summer and unusually hot for the Pacific Northwest.
So I was dressed in shorts and a thin t-shirt when I walked into my friend’s house. The place was dark and massive amounts of clutter prevented me from finding a light switch. So I just opened a can of cat food and stood next to his bowl singing “Here kitty, here kitty…”
No response.
So I plodded through the living room, looking at the couches to see if the kitten was curled up asleep. I could’ve just dumped the food in the bowl and left, but I wanted to watch the little guy eat so I could stand there and feel like an exemplary friend. And, a dump-and-run just seemed crass.
Suddenly my right shoulder erupted in unbelievable pain. It felt like I’d been stabbed with multiple knives. I dropped the food and tried to coax the cat off his perch. But he held on and dug in deeper. Our eyes met and I knew that despite weighing 160 pounds less than me, the kitten was fully in charge. He owned me. When he dug in again I howled and lowered my body so that my shoulder was level with a couch. Hierarchy established, the cat hopped onto the couch.
The next two times I fed the kitten I moved through the house like a Navy Seal, supremely alert to surprise attack. In and out, fast, like I was planting explosives.
I’ve since moved. My friend says the cat is still tough and has been relegated to outdoor-status for the benefit of the other pets. Deep down he’s probably a sweetie like Colonel Meow. I think what he really needs is a website.
At home, my cat is a sweetie. In the vet’s office, she turns into the she-cat from Hell. Vet technicians have to wear Hazmat gear to handle her, and she makes so much noise you’d think she was being murdered instead of just examined.
At home once more, she again turns into a sweetheart.
The vet has suggested that I sedate her before bringing her in for her next visit. I also notice that they haven’t sent me a reminder yet. Maybe they’re trying to tell me something.
You’re some friend for feeding that thing twice after the vicious assault. I think i would bring a dog with me, just for the protection.
Or, at least, the dog could provide a distraction for the cat!
There is nothing more funny than someone else getting attacked by a cat. Except people walking into, and bouncing off a glass door. That’s hilarious too.
I had a cat go berserk on my leg….I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m a dog person now.
I think you have the making of the next horror movie.
This truly made me laugh out loud! The best humor always has other people getting hurt. Although i grew up with, literally, dozens of cats and even had kittens born IN MY BED, I much prefer dogs as pets.
Having been attacked multiple times, I find this hilarious!