HOLLYWOOD. Studio executives at Sony Pictures yesterday gave the green light to “Glorious Sun of Mankind Kim Jong-un Adventure,” an action-comedy-drama-romance-documentary starring Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, and co-starring Kim Jong-un.
“What can I say? Chicks just love me!”
“This has nothing to do with the hack,” by North Korea said Sony Assistant Vice President for Development Lenora Watkins of a data breach that disclosed numerous internal emails. “This is our way of repairing the reputational damage Mr. Kim or Mr. Jong or Mr. Un–whatever–suffered by being cast in a movie with Seth Rogen.”
Kim Jong-un wrote the screenplay for “Glorious Sun,” and will direct the film, set to begin principal photography in the spring of 2015. It is based loosely on “Pee-wee Herman’s Big Adventure,” the young Korean’s favorite film. “‘Big Adventure’ is to Kim Jong-un what ‘Ice Station Zebra was to Howard Hughes,” says UCLA Professor of Cinema Armand Nostrand. “He sentenced three teen girls to twenty years hard labor for crinkling the cellophane on their Raisinets boxes during the burning pet shop scene.”
“Mr. Herman is scorned in his own land for spanking monkey in theatre, just as Jerry Lewis must raise money for his films by Labor Day telethons,” according to North Korean Minister of Film Pak Yong-nam. “Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea welcome refugees from American imperialism such as Dennis Rodman, top cross-dressing rebounder in NBA history, also star of films Double Team and Simon Sez.”
“Glorious Sun” is being pitched as the “tentpole” production on Sony’s “slate” of films for 2015, a film that will support the studio’s overall operations and generate license revenues from tie-in merchandise. “We are thinking ‘Juche Suit’ line of interchangeable men’s and women’s clothing,” said Mr. Pak. “Also exact-size replica prison cell that fits inside most carry-on luggage.”
“I brought Mr. Rodman with me to show you guys how to accessorize!”
“Glorious Sun” is described in Sony public relations materials as both a “buddy” film and a “love triangle,” with Mr. Kim playing both buddies and winning the hearts of nine women. When this reporter points out that a typical love triangle involves only three people, Mr. Pak demurs. “Laws of mathematics apply to ordinary mortals,” he says, “but not Supreme Leader Kim.”