Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014
My 2-year-old refused to touch her lunch but ate a hot dog she made from Play-Doh. It’s amazing any kids survive to adulthood.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014
Me: I’m afraid I said something stupid at work
Wife: Don’t worry
M: Really?
W: Everything you say is stupid. People are used to it by now
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014
Me: *eats sunflower seeds*
4-year-old: If you plant those, will they grow into new sunflowers?
Me: Yeah.
4: YOU’RE EATING THEIR BABIES!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014
Problem: I eat pretty much every second I’m awake.
Solution: Take more naps.
Weight loss, here I come.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2014