Statements Made by the Slightly Inebriated

Have you ever walked into a bar at closing time?  It can be a humorous event. By the time last call is announced and the patrons have tossed their car keys in the Need-A-Cab basket some of the statements they’ve made are damn near incoherent but always hysterical.

I myself have uttered or should I say slurred some off the wall things after a few shots of Jack Daniels, one being, “I like squash,  I don’t like the taste . . . I just like ‘em!” Don’t ask!   I couldn’t tell you why I said it if my life depended on it!

I took the liberty of asking some of my dearest  friends if they remembered any of  their loose-lipped libation statements?   After reviewing them and two more [much needed] shots of Jack Daniels, here are the statements that made my top 10 list.

10. Hey buddy would you buy me a bra?

9.   I’ve gotta pee on your head.

8.  Comparing my penis to yours is like comparing cookies and ass!

7.  Alcohol kills brain cells, but only the weak ones!

6.  Anybody seen my prosthetic hand?  It’s the one holding the bottle of Jose Cuervo.

5.  I’m so drunk . . . I’m drunk, like that drunk over there!

4.  I’ll bet you $50 bucks I can fart my way across Lake Erie.

3.  I once drank a beer with live bees in it.

2.  You know why beer goes through you so quickly?  Because it doesn’t need to change color when it exits.

And the number one most ridiculous statement is . . .

1..  Take Me to Jupiter!  I want to do the Hula-Hula Dance!
(This statement ended with the guy falling face down into a bowl of Polynesian fruit dip.)

Disclaimer: I was instructed or should I say threatened not to reveal the  identity of said slightly inebriated individuals.

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11 thoughts on “Statements Made by the Slightly Inebriated”

  1. Ah, the memory lapses of the inebriated. In my early years when I thought I could handle alcohol, my mother asked me who Dr. Tom was. I was surprised she even knew about Dr. Tom, so I asked her, “How do you know about Dr. Tom?” I was really curious to know. “Because when you wouldn’t wake up this morning, you kept telling me not to worry about getting your daughter to school, because Dr. Tom was going to drive her.” Oops! Dr. Tom was the name of the house drink where I was a cocktail waitress.

  2. I was driving home from a nightclub in New Jersey. My wife was sleeping it off, and every time she woke up she kept saying “go left, go left”. This was all the way home.

  3. I’d pay fifty to see number four! LOL Funniest one I can remember was from my best friend looking at a girl, and this is a direct quote… “Man, she’s got some tig ole bitties!” Casanova he was not!

    1. I have one of them in my family LB actually two. And the funny thing is with the gas they emit they could do it!!! 🙂

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