Super Bowl Restrictions Chilling


Cold weather Super Bowl football fans rejoice. Not only will you not be able to warm yourself by tailgating you can’t even get a toasty limousine to drop you off at the game.

If you’re into suffering, and if you’re a football fan you’ll accuse me of being redundant, have we got a Super Bowl for you. Not only did they locate the game in the Meadowlands on February 2nd, the NFL is making it as bitter as possible just to weed out all the fair weather fans.

To start off, a blizzard is likely. To ramp up the enjoyment, tailgating is discouraged. Al Kelly, CEO of the Super Bowl XLVIII organizing committee says “You’ll be allowed to have food and drinks in your car. Just no lawn chairs, no grills and you can’t take up more than one parking space.”  Thanks, Al. I didn’t care for grilling hot dogs in a blizzard, anyway.  I’m fine with being dropped off right in front and hailing my cab, later.

“You can’t do that,” says Al. “Unless you’re dropped off by a car with a parking pass, we’ll insist you pay $ 51 and get on the Fan Express Charter Bus. No taxis, no limos, no black cars.” What, Al, no black cars? It’s 2013, isn’t that racist?

Geez, let’s back up. In case you haven’t caught on, I’m not a fan of cold weather football. I’m sure this means I’ll never know the thrill of shivering with friendly Packer fans. Let’s back up, again. I’ve played in windy, cold weather games. I’ve attended a few games in metal stadiums. I’ve also been to games where I had to chip the sleet off my feet. In those days you could bring an ice pick with you into the stadium. At Met Life Stadium, you won’t. They’ll probably have designated ice pickers or sterno carriers coming down the aisle and charging you $ 50 each to unstick your shoes from the surface. That’s per shoe.

This past weekend we had several cold weather games that were a pleasure to watch… on television. LeSean McCoy sloshed through the snow in Philadelphia to the tune of 33 fantasy football points for my team.  I felt sorry for the referees. They couldn’t even see the end zone stripe.  They just kept calling touchdown and the defenders kept saying “Hell yes, anything to get off the field.”

In Stillwater, Oklahoma, OU scored in the last seconds to beat the OSU Cowboys in a bitter cold battle. Not so cold the Cowboy fans couldn’t make snowballs and toss them at the Sooner players.  But cold enough, former players Trey Metroyer and Byron Houston were only describing themselves.
                            Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons
Up north, Cowboys of a different sort were being treated to bearlike weather in Chicago. How cold was it? Mike Ditka was being honored and you could tell he didn’t want to be on the field. When 8 degree weather is too cold for Mike Ditka, how bad can it be for the fans? Here’s how bad: Their beer froze. Yes, Chicagoans, who love Ditka, and their Bears and their beers couldn’t even get their alcoholic drinks to liquefy.

So what does this add up to, the Super Bowl February outdoor game in New Jersey, next to the river? A dumb idea, that’s what. If it’s too cold for Tony Soprano to bury some bodies in New Jersey because the ground is too hard, it’s too cold to play the biggest game of the year. On the other hand, if suffering is what being a football fan is all about, you won’t have to worry about your favorite receiver cramping up. Lucky you, your $ 1000 or so couldn’t buy you more pain than if you went to Monique’s S & M Salon.

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7 thoughts on “Super Bowl Restrictions Chilling”

  1. I’m with you, Mark. One thing for sure, you don’t want to risk taking that mustache out into the cold. Icicles form and you’ll be accused of having a Fu Man Chu.

  2. The NFL has no sense of fun left at all anymore! They have it at a cold and open stadium and don’t allow grilling? Homeland Security must be behind it or the concessions company. I interviewed the head chef for the superbowl at the stadium and they are ready with amazing food! LOL

  3. The only thing that would make this season’s Super Bowl more unbearable was if the NY Jets were actually playing in it – thank God that’s NOT happening…..

  4. $51 to get on a bus?! After mortgaging your house for a ticket? Holy crap! Apparently that bus offers non-stop service from “nine convenient pick-up locations” throughout New York and New Jersey. Because you can boil that whole area down to nine spots. Especially in winter.

    That bus better be serving liquefied alcoholic beverages and lot’s of ’em.

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