“My mom is my hero and I admire everything about her, but if you suggest I'm anything like her I'll murder you in your sleep.”—women
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013
My dog barks if a squirrel comes within a mile of our house but he didn’t notice a repair guy who walked in our front door. I feel safe.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013
If my wife ever blew all of our money, I could probably get over it, but if she poops with the door open even once this marriage is over.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013
My friends think I’m boring, but the joke is on them. While they were at the bars, I watched an amazing show about the history of milk.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013
Back in my day, kids didn’t whine about bullies. They did the healthy thing & used telekinesis at prom to get even for the pig’s blood.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2013
LOL!! History of Milk! Funny stuff James!
The sad part is I really did watch that show. The biggest joke of all is my entire life.
Ah, the good old days of telekinesis and wreaking havoc on the lives of our teenage enemies!
Now you have to sign a bunch of waiver forms first. It takes all the fun out of it.