Before you flirt, remember “crush” refers both to the person you like and to what that person will do to your feelings when they find out.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2013
An apple a day will keep pretty much anyone away if you have a strong arm and good aim.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2013
I don’t get why it’s OK to kill bacteria at work with hand sanitizer but not with vodka. I’ve got germs inside me, too.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2013
I texted that I blew the job interview, but my phone changed it to “interviewer.” It made my wife think I got the job when I really didn’t.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2013
You may laugh at my diaper bag now, but if I ever get stranded someplace I’ll have enough animal crackers & fruit snacks to survive for days
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2013