Point: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Counterpoint: bacon.
Skinny never stood a chance.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2013
I’m married, so I have lots of makeup sex. In fact, the only sex I have is what I make up in my head.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2013
Me: “Can you turn on a fan to get rid of these paint fumes.”
My wife: “Nah, I’ll just check on you in an hour to see if you’re dead.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2013
In case you wondered about my 1-year-old’s reaction time, she just got startled by an end table.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2013
Me:“With me, Nothing is hard.”
My wife:*points to my crotch* “I know.”
Sadly it wasn’t the most awkward moment of brunch with her parents.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2013