All I Want for Mother’s Day is a Pandora Bracelet with the Following Charms | HumorOutcasts

All I Want for Mother’s Day is a Pandora Bracelet with the Following Charms

May 8, 2014
By

To My Dearest Husband,

As you may well have forgotten since you are “not great with calendars”, another Mother’s Day is on the horizon.  It is this Sunday, to be very specific.  3 days.

While I do not require anything from Tiffany’s, or a day at the spa, or forced accolades from the children (aside from what may be assigned to them by their school), I thought I would offer just one gift idea.

I have admired others’ Pandora charm bracelets for years.  All the little Eiffel towers and cruise ships signifying their vacations, and golf clubs symbolizing their country club memberships, and though I’ve no desire to keep up with the Joneses and such, I thought maybe a bracelet that represented my own life might be something I’d smile at.

According to my great grandmother’s bracelet, she enjoyed collecting maple leaves and hunting for glass acorns.

According to my great grandmother’s bracelet, she enjoyed collecting maple leaves and hunting for glass acorns.

I wouldn’t want an empty bracelet, so I’ve listed some possible charms:

  • A golden hazmat suit for all the vomit, feces, and urine I’ve had to clean up over the last several years
  • A Murano glass casserole dish.  It should be full of artsy leftovers, to symbolize all the food our children have upturned their noses at and wasted.  If possible, a tiny tear should dangle from the dish, indicating my sorrow at the children’s insults regarding my cooking
  • A silver gas pump.   Because I am always driving.
  • Golden shopping bags because that is what the kids tell their teachers I do all day
  • A silver theatre mask to symbolize years of drama with moms who still act like they are in high school.  Usually this charm comes in a pair: one sad mask, one happy.  You could save money by only purchasing the sad face, and it would be more accurate anyway
  • A two-toned, gold and silver, diet pill capsule, to remind me to refrain from “stress eating”; or if that one is sold out, the silver salad bowl to at least remind me to eat healthy
  • This is a custom order, but—a silver representation of that water park we visited on that vacation to Wisconsin.  Forget that Colosseum charm, this is something to talk about!
  • A golden broken foot, representing several broken toes and other foot injuries caused either by the children, or the extra weight of carrying them
  • Do they make a little silver shaky hand?  Perhaps suspended from a spring?  This would represent the effect of my dependence on caffeine to make it through the day
  • A little golden flask.  If they are able to engrave, it should say “Mama’s Woodford.”
  • A silver star, cracked, to symbolize broken dreams
  • A Murano glass praying mantis, in bright green, to summon your attention when I wear the bracelet, and remind you to be cautious around me.  Never trust a female mantis, no matter the situation.
  • And finally, a tiara!  But not the royal, jeweled, intricate kind—more like a crown of thorns.

Thank you in advance!!  Oh, and a last reminder—the weight of the bracelet should be heavy.  Brick-like weight.  I wouldn’t quite say burdensome weight, but…substantial.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Wife

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and HumorOutcasts.com. After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out EmilySchleiger.com and DontRepeatThisInPreschool.com. For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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11 Responses to All I Want for Mother’s Day is a Pandora Bracelet with the Following Charms

  1. May 11, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Please note that the hazmat suit is awfully heavy; I wear it for sex. However, I recommend a furry outfit although it tends to make one sweat a lot.

  2. May 9, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    If we could get matching bracelets and then combine forces to get the invention on my latest post to become a reality, then I guarantee that you and I would be the happiest mommies alive! Cheers to that girl! Coffee, wine, or something stronger..whatever gets you through the reality that significant others and kids will never “get it”. *clink*

    • May 10, 2014 at 7:30 am

      Cheers indeed! Clearly we’re working in the wrong field, or we need to find ourselves a brilliant inventor who can put our ideas to work.

      And I just thought of another charm to add to my bracelet, one that gets me through my days even more than coffee and bourbon–karma. If there is a symbol of the hope of karma, I need that on my bracelet. My karma seems to kick me in the arse right away, but I get to wait on it to work for everyone else.

  3. Bill Y Ledden
    May 9, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    I can source one of these for a reasonable price but no questions can be asked about how I acquired it. Stop thinking about it, that’s the same as asking about it. Sorry, the deals off!

    • May 10, 2014 at 7:12 am

      Ha, I was so excited for a minute, there! If you change your mind, send the carrier pigeon and I will have my child assistant meet up with the money. No weapons, no questions.

  4. May 9, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Oh, I LOVED this, and posted it on my FB page. Girl, you should be a Pandora charm designer. They’d sell out!

    • May 10, 2014 at 7:09 am

      Ha, thanks–something tells me that would be a failed career though…

  5. May 8, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Thanks!

    Running off to the store to get that for my wife right now.

  6. Kathy Minicozzi
    May 8, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    That sounds about right. 😉



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