Celebrities, We Need Your Help

President Obama has pledged to not put American boots on the ground in fighting ISIS. Predictably, old white guys on TV who’ve never experienced combat are saying this is a huge mistake and American troops are needed. It’s quite the mess.

But something I read recently offers a way out of the boots-or-not quandary. Apparently, ISIS fighters are terrified of being killed by women. But this isn’t like in grade school where you feel embarrassed after a buddy mocks you by saying “Dude, you got beat up by a girl?” No, for an ISIS guy, being killed by a female has a much higher cost – they get sent to Hell, and not Heaven.

Since everyone ignored my last brilliant counter-terrorism plan (Ebola tainted facemasks) I’ve got a new one. I call this one Operation Reverse Honeycomb Hideout (chicks allowed!!):

The Plan:

We contact ISIS and tell them that we’re not using troops, just drones. But, we are replacing our entire drone-operator fleet with women. And then we send them pictures of these women-warriors. But they’re not just any “ordinary” women. Nope, they’re the ones in those naked celebrity pictures that leaked from the iCloud storage system.

Just picture those sexually repressed ISIS dudes clicking on an attachment. They’d expect to see women in camos, only to recoil in horror at the sight of (gasp!) female flesh. And then they’d drown in despair when they read the photo-caption “Say goodbye to your 72 brown-eyed virgins.”

Yup, we don’t need boots on the ground. We need bootie in the Cloud.

From what I’ve read these celebrities are pissed. Who knows, they might even take the job. It’s a great way to release your anger. What if we just told them that ISIS was behind the photo hack?