My conscience is clean. I sterilized it with alcohol.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2014
My wife says opening a bag of barbecue chips doesn’t count as cooking dinner. Whatever, your majesty.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2014
When a woman says, “I have no idea why you’re single,” she knows exactly why you’re single. Otherwise she’d be banging you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2014
My 2-year-old screamed at me because her ice was too cold. If you need me, I’ll be pondering where I went wrong with my life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2014
LOL, people who treat me like an adult. Way to set yourselves up for disappointment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2014