Wife: You never compliment me. Me: That shirt makes your boobs look huge. Wife: *death glare* I have no idea what she wants from me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2014
Me: Why’d I flunk my history test? Professor: You said World War II ended in 1945 when Luke blew up the Death Star. Me: Was that in 1946?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2014
Me: That was “Ring Around the Rosie.” Why didn’t you fall down? 4 y.o: Grass stains are hard to get out. Apparently I’m raising my mother.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2014
Interviewer: We found you on Facebook. You didn’t tell your mom happy birthday Me: I did it in person! Interviewer: We don’t hire monsters
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2014
If you wondered what it feels like to be a parent, I got in a shouting match with my 2-year-old about whether 7 or 11 comes after 6 I lost.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/29/14: pic.twitter.com/69r0bkPw3e
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 14, 2014