4-year-old: Can you help me write a note to my sister?
Me: OK.
4: How do you spell “I hate your stupid face?”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014
My 2-year-old put a Girl Scout cookie between two Doritos.
That kid knows how to make a sandwich.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2014
Wife: Can that couple from work come over?
Me: Sure. I’d love to see them
Wife: We have to clean the house first
Me: They can’t come over
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2014
Whoever wrote the Bible passage about wives being obedient to their husbands definitely died a bachelor.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2014
Whatever, people who go to the gym every day.
I just pulled a muscle coughing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/23/14: pic.twitter.com/M6etWnHyVe
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) October 10, 2014