Having recently charged 94-year-old Cuban leader Raúl Castro with murder, the United States plans to put his deceased brother, Fidel, on trial in June for sporting an unkempt beard that it alleges was a “crime against humanity.”
“The statute of limitations on disheveled appearance never expires,” claims JD Vance, U. S. Commissioner of Beards and Muttonchops. “The fact that Mr. Castro has been dead since 2016 doesn’t lessen the seriousness of his offense. We know where you are, Fidel: Santa Ifigenia Cemetery in Santiago de Cuba. We’re coming for you.”
In a related story, the Walt Disney Company announced on Saturday that Cuba will be the site of its newest theme park: Hellscape, scheduled to open in July 2027.
According to Disney CEO Josh D’Amaro, “Hellscape is being designed for families looking for a vacation experience that is less expensive than Disney World or Disneyland. Its signature attraction will be the Les Misérables Maze, where visitors can spend up to 8 hours searching for a stale loaf of bread tied to a post.”