Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the safety of ‘Moose and Squirrel,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The rules have changed: Has Russia begun to order assassinations on US soil?
Quick, someone hide Moose and Squirrel!
Iran tightens grip on Strait of Hormuz shipping
Not saying Iran has tanker traffic locked down; but at this point, it ought to be called the Straightjacket of Hormuz.
Don’t drunkenly chase bears with hatchets: Park Rangers
The real question is who gave the bears the fuckin’ hatchets …
Nor’easter buries East Coast in water
Damn, if the East Coast were any more under water ,it’d be a Trump Casino.
Ebola can attack the human brain
… Making Congress safe.
A Kaiser doctor turned his backyard Peking duck into a celebrity sensation
… And great hang for Jews on Christmas.
10 things everyone in yoga class notices you doing (but are too polite to say out loud)
Number six, is that extra padding in your Lululemon, or are you just glad to see me?
Nolan Wells’ family to do independent autopsy, attorney describes ‘altercation’ on boat
After Nolan Wells, the Titanic, and the Skipper and Gilligan, maybe we ought to take white people’s boat keys away until we figure out what the hell is going on.
At least 6 babies in Pennsylvania have been born infected with measles
Hey, me matey, RFK Jr, what’s next? Y’bringing back scurvy for ‘National Talk like a Pirate Day, aaargh?’
José Andrés relies on these 3 seasonings to make everything taste better
Butter. More butter. And finally, even more butter
Markwayne Mullin is clutching a stress ball while answering questions from reporters
We know Trump ain’t around because when he’s nearby none of these guys have any balls.
Happy 80th birthday, Tommy Lee Jones
You don’t look a day over 147.
‘Like a scene off Jaws.’ Shark kills swimmer at busy beach
Guess they never saw the movie, because, the warning music should’ve been enough.
U.S adds 29K jobs
… But most are people hired to create new LinkedIn profiles for soon-to-be ex GOP lawmakers.