4-year-old: Can I have Mountain Dew?
Me: No. Go to bed.
4: I’ll need energy if zombies attack.
Me:
4:
Me: One can. Just in case.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
Justin Bieber made $80 million last year.
This proves once and for all the most profitable job in the world is being a douche.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
4-year-old: What’s dirt made of?
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: dirt.
I’m basically a scientist.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
4-year-old: How do you stand up?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Mom says you don’t have a spine.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
Apparently the Monkees were a band made up of four guys and zero actual monkeys.
I just lost all respect for the 60s.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/1/14: pic.twitter.com/0ri1hbMnCl
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 18, 2014