In an 8-1 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that on-the-field TV interviews of college and professional football coaches “are insipid, worthless, and not deserving of protection by the U. S. Constitution. They must cease.”
The Court notes that such interviews “almost never reveal information that even the most brain-dead football fan — and there are many — doesn’t already know.” Among the quotes cited in the decision:
- Luke Fickell (University of Wisconsin, behind 20-0 at halftime): “Our players suck. Each and every one of them. They all suck.”
- Jeff Choate (University of Nevada, behind 17-0 at halftime): “We need to score some points in the second half or I’m pretty sure we’re going to lose.”
- Steve Sarkisian (University of Texas, ahead 17-0 at halftime): “The boys are playing well today. If they keep that up for 30 more minutes, there will be hookers for everyone tonight at my ranch!”
The only dissenting vote was cast by Justice Brett Kavanaugh, whose minority opinion was brief: “I love the gorgeous gals who do those interviews. They got it goin’ on! These ladies deserve to keep their jobs.”