Toilet Underbite: Bad Holiday Decorating | HumorOutcasts

Toilet Underbite: Bad Holiday Decorating

December 15, 2014

Toilet 2

I’m deep into holiday decorating and now my toilet seat has an underbite. The threat of company has others garlanding hallways, but not me. I’m disgruntled at the ancient toilet seat in the guest bathroom. This is where I went wrong.

“David, let’s buy a new seat. Can you put it in today?”

“Suze, I’m busy with other things. I’ll get to it.”

“But I want one in time for Christmas.”

“Suze, I’ll get to it.”

Oh me of little faith. Time between spouses expands like in the movie, “Interstellar.” One hour in my husband’s mind is like seven years in mine.

So off I went to shop for kid’s coats, a dog collar, brownie mixes and, lo and behold, the Big Box Store had a section of toilet seats. Granted it was a teeny section, I’m talking a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it corner aisle. But as my timesaver mentality so often whispers, “Well, I’m already here.”

So I tossed one into the cart. Now it did run through my mind that it seemed a bit small, but aren’t all toilet seats one-size-fits-all?

So the Pocket General (an endearment from my husband) gets home and issues a directive, “David, guess what? I went ahead and bought a new toilet seat. Can you put it in today?”

After all, I did the heavy lifting of steppin’ and fetchin’ and now all he has to do is switch out the seats. This is what partnership looks like.

That evening I left for a meeting, and upon returning home, I went into the guest bathroom for inspection, and there on the top of the toilet lid was a green post-it note from my lieutenant:

“You’re not going to be happy.”

Toilet overview

The seat fell short of the porcelain end, and like my daughter’s new dog, the toilet had an underbite.

Reesie Underbite

What is the meaning of this?

“Suze, you bought the wrong size.”

“Well, if you knew that, why did you install it anyway?”

“Because you’re always in denial about making mistakes.”


St. Suzette

Who me?  We both nearly wet ourselves laughing.

The next day I returned the “defective seat” and David went to buy a new one with me calling out as he left, “And this time, don’t mess up!”

Upon returning from Home Depot, this was Lesson No. 1, according to my beloved husband, “Suze, the first thing the guy asked me was ‘what size do you need?’ You see? That’s the kind of question a home repair professional will ask, and you don’t find them at Kmart.”

Do I look like Nicole Curtis of Rehab Addict? I never said you’d find a tool belt in my wardrobe closet. Wreaths? Check. Twinkling lights? Check. A new toilet seat in the guest bathroom? Double check! All I care about is that my holiday decorating is now complete.   Is that too much to ask for, Santa? Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.



Suzette Martinez Standring

Greetings from Suzette Martinez Standring! I write humor and lifestyle columns, and since 2007 I've been nationally syndicated for my spirituality columns with GateHouse Media, proving that God indeed has a sense of humor. I wrote The Art of Opinion Writing: Insider Secrets from Top Op-Ed Columnists (2014), which is used in university journalism courses, such as Johns Hopkins University. I also wrote The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists (2008). I host a Milton (MA) cable, It's All Write With Suzette, that features guest authors and columnists. Watch episodes on youtube and My big love is teaching writing workshops nationally, and someday making money from all of this will approach my level of enthusiasm. It's very high so that's quite a goal. Nice to meet you! Email Suzette Standring: or visit

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8 Responses to Toilet Underbite: Bad Holiday Decorating

  1. December 17, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Toilet Underbite. Thanks for adding a new phrase to the lexicon!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    December 17, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    David sounds like a smart dude. He’s knows when he’s beat but still put in the seat as per your instructions. Yes, a smart dude, David is!

    • December 18, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      Bill, you are so right. It takes an ingenious husband that can exact revenge and make me laugh at myself!

  3. December 15, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Con Chapman, the toilet seat would have been a better fit for a house along the Yellow Brick Road!

  4. December 15, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    CF Winn, when it comes to “size matters” I should have known better as a woman. One size does not fit all!

  5. December 15, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Whoever said that “size matters” was someone too smart to send us women out to buy toilet seats…

  6. December 15, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Maybe the toilet seat is from the House of Habsburg.

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