4-year-old: Why are your fingers fat?
Me: They’re not fat. They’re proportional to the rest of me.
4: Why is the rest of you fat?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2014
4-year-old: Put my sister in timeout! She got snot on my shoe!
Me: How?
4: I kicked her in the face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2014
Me: How many barbecue chips is it safe to feed the baby?
Wife: None.
Me: We should probably call a doctor.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2014
Me: *unfastens 2-year-old’s Velcro shoe*
2-year-old: YOU BROKE IT
Me: *refastens it*
2: *whispers* Never do that again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2014
Women call it foreplay. Men call it stalling.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2014