Marriage is all about finding that one special person you want to spend the rest of your life ignoring while you play with your phone.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2014
Me: Be quiet. The baby is sleeping.
4-year-old: OK.
*steps on creaking floorboard*
*knocks over Lego tower*
*turns on jet engine*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2014
The most dangerous thing about being old enough to know better is I’m also old enough not to care.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2014
Wife: *finally comes out of the bathroom* What did you do while I was
getting ready?
Me: I had six birthdays.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2014
Wife: Do you mean it?
Me: I’m a man. I always mean what I say.
Wife:
Me: Unless you don’t like it. Then I mean the opposite.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2014