The Saga of the iSperm

So, here’s the scene: Little girls setting the table. Twenty-something girls making matzo balls. Fifty/sixty-something women chopping apples, peeling potatoes and frying onions. And an eighty-something woman, the matriarch of this family, supervising the activities. Nothing unusual about this scenario. We’ve been doing this for years.

And as we’ve been doing for years, we’re talking about men, love and sex. I mean, what else do women talk about while cooking?

But what makes this conversation different from ones we’ve had on other nights is the focus of the discussion. Usually my mom, our matriarch, holds the wisdom and doles out the advice. This time, the expression on her face informs me that she’s totally dumbfounded and must feel like she’s walked onto the set of a sci-fi movie. Because we are talking about using an iPhone for birth control.

Yes, you heard correctly. As we all know, the iPhone may be called a ‘phone’ but using it for that old fashioned form of communication is as out-dated as Morse code.

My mother’s eyes get wide and she shakes her head as she listens. Birth control itself was not around in her younger days, let alone using a phone to tell you when your egg is ready for a sperm.

But that’s what is happening today. There are dozens of iPhone apps used by thousands of young women (including those in our family) to assist in getting pregnant (or not.) In addition, you need never be surprised by your period again. And if your period should catch you by surprise, you can use an app to locate the nearest pharmacy.

By recording the first day of your period, there is an app which keeps track of your cycle and then notifies you of your ovulation day. With just a touch of the screen, you can view your most fertile days, color coded, of course. If you do not want to get pregnant, you avoid having sex on green days. If in fact, you do want a baby and your icon is red, you use your iPhone to immediately contact the father-to-be, find a suitable location and position (your iPhone can help with this too) and go at it!

As we talk, the twenty-something guys walk through the kitchen. One of them is playing a chess game on his iPhone, the other is watching a YouTube video. At least, that’s what they say. I can’t help but wonder if they are searching for some app that will tell them something about their sperm.

Later that evening while lying in bed, I start thinking about my days of trying to conceive. I remember cornering my husband in the bathroom of his workplace, because I just knew that the time was right. I did get pregnant, so obviously we did fine without an iPhone.

Meanwhile, my mom is probably thinking about the good old days when using a diaphragm was a modern invention.

As for the twenty-something couples, I’m hoping they have turned off their iPhones and are enjoying each other’s company. The way it should be.

And the little girls, well, I imagine they are dreaming of the day when they will have their very own iPhones.

By then, who knows what kind of apps may be available? Perhaps one to distinguish the sex of the sperm, their speed per second – or, good lord,  even a GPS system to guide them to their destination.

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61 thoughts on “The Saga of the iSperm”

  1. I read somewhere that there’s an app that measures how well your sexual performance was. Now apps for birth control, baby gender prediction, and the list goes on….what’s next? I wish they had an app for picking a great husband. It would have helped me out many years ago!

  2. Good Catholic girls of my generation weren’t even supposed to have dirty fantasies, let alone actually think about birth control.

  3. In my family it woulda been meatballs and sausage for lasagna.

    I’m afraid Janie you are a bit behinds the times though… All the modern women in my family today would be in the same room TEXTING each other!

  4. well, on the other end of the birth spectrum…today we were wandering around a cemetery looking for a relative’s grave, and I said I wish we had a GPS app that would tell us where to go. we all decided there would be money in it…but of course, none of us want to do it.

  5. Janie, this is hilarious and the app sounds like something from Saturday Night Live. I’m a gramma of two little boys…better tell my daughter about this cuz I so want a granddaughter. Still chuckling…

  6. Ha! And here I thought I was well-informed and in the know. But no!

  7. Wow, I feel like such a relic of the past!! My mother thought it was amazing that my sisters and I could buy tests to predict ovulation, an App!!! Perhaps the next step is to replace the whole thing with an App!! (Gosh I hope not!!) Great post!

  8. My baby shop closed its doors almost 14 years ago. The goods were quality, but the passion for dirty diapers and projectile vomiting was long gone…this is a piece of technology that I won’t be participating in. Just point me to the app that feeds me stream of Starbucks, sushi, and the occasional kamikaze, and I am so in!

  9. ISperm. What a great idea. I think this would make great scene material in a romance novel, especially in the YA category. Have characters that are wanting to know if this is the time to do it or not the time to do it. It works both ways. Here’s an example. Girl calls boy friend and says we have to postpone our date tonight because my I Phone app tells me today is the day for me to get pregnant. Don’t want to take any chances. LOL

  10. When I read the title of this post I was sure you were going to tell us how you would physically use an iPhone during sexual intercourse. I don’t know what I was expecting, however I’ve been reading your posts for months now and well…. My mind went to the far reaches of imagining you advising to use it as a vibrator because there’s an app that makes the phone jiggle around WAY more than just “putting your phone on vibrate” and then, I don’t know, I thought you’d think of something!
    Doesn’t mean I was disappointed in your post. I love your family stories.

    1. I can see why you thought that, Patti! You’ve given me a great idea for another post. And thanks so much for being such a loyal follower.

  11. Isn’t it so hard to believe we ever got by in life without iPhones and everything else? I must say, I am so happy to have them, but I can’t even begin to imagine what will one day take their place!

  12. All i could think of is that a zillion Catholic families who never had an Iphone can attest to the imperfection of that app. But the concept is so 21st century!

  13. Hi, Janie and am holding my ribs cause of laughing. However, at the last get together, we talked mah jong. lol

    1. Oh yeah. We talk about Mah Jong, too. My mom has tried to teach everyone, but she has no patience. I’m guessing there is an app for that, too! Patience, that is.

  14. Is it bad of me to be glad I have no need for a cycle tracking app?

    1. Not at all! I need one track my Hot Flashes. Like a warning signal, so that if I’m talking to someone important, I can excuse myself.

  15. iPhone to predict everything about having a baby??? There will probably be an app telling you the right position to do it. And sonograms using the iPhone??? Well….. Technology is sure crazy so don’t be surprised at what the latest apps are on the iPhone 6 due out in Sept.
    Cheers everyone!

  16. Is it bad that part of me wants to get this app just so I can know when not to get pregnant? Or maybe I could just use it to lie to my husband and tell him I’m in the fertile moments when I’m really not.

    Either way….

  17. Wow! Technology never ceases to amaze me! I’m not quite sure if an iphone could track my very unusual body and it’s strange schedule though. Thank heavens I’m too old for that! Great article!

  18. Loved reading this! You *always* write such wonderful family stories and bring a smile to my face. Since I’m surrounded by boys in my family, you can imagine the topics that go on here. 😉 Too funny about all the apps – I had no idea. What’s happened to spontaneity?

  19. Wow, that’s wild! Technology never fails to fascinate me; especially that our kids are growing up with things that we never fathomed and that they take for granted. I wouldn’t be surprised now if there were a sperm GPS someday. You’d better patent that idea before somebody steals it Janie. 😉

  20. This is great. I can totally picture the scene in the kitchen. It’s like that every holiday with my family too.

    Technology is pretty crazy, right? What ever happened to doing it the old fashion way?

    1. Well, so far “doing it” is still app-free. But who knows what the future brings. I never expected all the technology we have today.

  21. Wow! I didn’t even know this app existed! I think you’re right—-pretty soon they’ll be able to predict the sex of your baby because the phones will enable you to perform in-home sonograms by putting the phone up to your belly!!!

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