Me: What kind of eyewear can I use? Coach: Anything but glasses M: So this is a contact sport… C: M: Get it? C: You’re off the team
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
I never would’ve agreed to play hopscotch with my daughters if I knew it involved lots of hopping and no scotch.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
Jenny: Run, Forest! Run! Forrest: *runs* Lifeguard: *blows whistle* Forrest: *walks*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
Me: What if elevator music is like a whale’s song but for lonely elevators looking for a mate? Him: Order something or leave the drive-thru
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
Wife: I have a migraine. Me: Your whining spread it to me. Now it’s an OURgraine. Wife: Me: Wife: *rips off my balls*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
Fell for that hopscotch fallacy did you?