Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you drink beer?
Me: It helps me cope with the crushing failures in my life.
4:
Me: It tastes good.
4: Oh, OK.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2014
Realtor: Are you interested in buying real estate?
Me: I only invest in fake estate.
Realtor:
Me: I’m a land baron on Farmville.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2014
My friends play this funny joke where they say stuff like, “Dude, we’re not your friends,” and “Take a hint and go away. This isn’t a joke.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2014
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2014