4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me! Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers 4: Me: 4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014
Wife: My iPhone was in the freezer! Me: Now you can make cold calls. Wife: YOU RUINED A $400 PHONE TO MAKE A SHITTY PUN?! M: W: M: Yeah
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014
[in church] Wife: *whsipers* Did you pack a snack for the kids? Me: *whispers* Yeah. *reaches into diaper bag* *pulls out potato salad*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014
Me: Want to hold hands? Wife: Ew. Me: If that grosses you out, why do you have sex with me? Wife: Other people can’t see that.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014
4: *knocks* Why is your door locked? Me: Me & mom are busy. Go away. 4: Want to hear me sing Elsa’s song? I got cock blocked by “Frozen.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014