Wife: Take out the trash Me: I can’t. I have a sleeping kid on my lap Wife: That’s a bag of Doritos Me: What do I look like? A scientist?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014
It’s such a dick move when people ruin my brilliant plans by bringing up facts based on reality.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014
I saw an old guy say to his wife, “Is it windy in here?” Then he let out a massive fart. It’s good to see romance isn’t dead at 80.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014
Congratulations, you posted so many selfies that it stopped being a cry for attention and started being a cry for help.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014
I don’t get people who say their pets are their kids. My dog only loves me when he needs something. Never mind, that’s exactly like a kid.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014