Me: If I was an alcoholic, I’d be drinking right now.
Wife: You are
Me: *takes beer box off head* My helmet of invisibility has failed me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2014
Sorry I took six days to reply to your text, but in my defense I was hoping that if I stalled for long enough you would die.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2014
Pizza guy: You want to propose with a pizza?
Me: No, that’s stupid
Pizza guy: Good. You had me worried
Me: I want to propose TO the pizza
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2014
Wife: Want a croissant?
Me: This isn’t France. Speak American.
Wife:
Me: It’s called a curved bread thingy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2014
Me: I like when a woman tells me what do in the bedroom.
Wife: Pick up your dirty laundry.
Me: Never mind.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2014
Not only did she tell you what to do, she talked dirty to you. Bonus!