Me: I biked 5 miles. Why am I still fat? Wife: You put a milkshake in your water bottle. Me: Yeah, but it hardly had any chocolate chips.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2014
Wife: The baby is crying. Me: That’s a factual statement. Wife: Me: Wife: PICK UP THE BABY! I’m not a mind reader.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2014
“Rooms starting at $59 a night” is just a polite way of saying “If you stay at this motel, you will be murdered.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2014
Samuel L. Jackson: I’m sick of these motherfucking snakes on this plane! Attendant: Sir, that’s your seat belt. Jackson: *strangles it*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2014
Fatherhood status: I have an opinion about which Disney princess is the best. On a related note, my ovaries hurt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2014