Why Good Non-Communist Americans Hate Soccer

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Apparently there’s some kind of major soccer event going on in the world. So what better time to recycle something I wrote on a napkin several years ago? The answer is “none better time.”

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I love football. I think all non-communists do (That’s a little trick I picked up – If you want to criticize someone, you just call them a “communist.” It works great!) So when given the opportunity to take the family to an FC Dallas game for a discounted price, I jumped. The FC, of course, stands for “Football Club”. But we were disappointed to find out when we got there that it was actually a soccer game. Oh well, no matter. Since the kids are under 13, they like soccer. They both even play on a soccer team.

Kids like soccer. You don’t need much equipment. Just a pair of trees or two sticks for a goal, and a soccer ball. I think when Pele was a kid, he even played with an inflated goat bladder that was lying around. But while American kids love soccer and so many of them even play it, American adults, in general, do not seem to share their enthusiasm. Sure, they like watching their kids play, but does the average American have any idea what major league soccer teams or even players are out there? I mean, except for that perpetually injured guy that married the Old Spice Girl. Why is this?

I have discovered the answer. No, not the part where a bunch of grown men fall to the ground and lie about someone pushing them down. (That part my kids actually love!) It’s the offside rule. They don’t generally call offside on kids playing soccer, so it can actually be a fun sport. You just run around and kick the ball into the other team’s goal whenever you can. But as the kids get older, they start actually enforcing this abhorrent restriction. The problem is that no one trustworthy understands the rule, and even if they do understand it, it is recognizably un-American. Communist, even. (See how well this works?)

This is the way I understand the rule: When your team has the ball, you can’t really try your hardest. You have to wait until the other team’s defenders say they are ready. They can’t have any sun in their eyes, and their shoes must all be tied. They must have a note from their mother stating that they had a good nutritious meal before the game. Otherwise, your team is declared offside.

OK, I am slightly exaggerating. But apparently you can’t run past the last defender in order to try to get in position to score, unless you already have the ball. To do so would be declared “too sneaky.” So only in soccer can ineptitude be a valid defense strategy. If these onerous rules were applied beyond soccer, there would have been no Normandy invasion, Washington would have not been allowed to cross the Delaware, and Bruce Willis wouldn’t have been allowed to be dead in “The Sixth Sense.”

Sure, other sports have an offside rule. But did you ever see Jerry Rice get flagged for running past the cornerbacks and safeties to receive a touchdown pass? Was a vicious alley-oop dunk by Shaq ever waived off because Shaq was closer to the basket than the defender? In baseball, you can even start running to the next base during a TV timeout.

The problem was obvious in our viewing of the aforementioned FC Dallas game. Many times the crowd was aroused when our team was attacking the bad guys’ goal only to be halted by a suspicious whistle. Which resulted in almost all 348 fans in attendance saying “Wha…?” in confusion. And of course, in soccer, the refs don’t ever explain anything and don’t have a microphone. They just point one way or another. Eventually some grumbles would make their way through your section, explaining that someone was indeed “offside.” It is then that you could hear countless fans uttering in unison… “That’s just stupid.”

I’m sure someone will try to say that the entire sport would break down if the rule was removed and that I am an idiot for even questioning its validity. But why should you even bother listening to a communist?