Giraffes And Zebras, Oh My! | HumorOutcasts

Giraffes And Zebras, Oh My!

June 19, 2015

Oh my God, on a commercial shoot the other day we got to work with wild animals! I have to tell you that every time we work with something unusual and unique, like this time it was a giraffe and a couple of zebras, the little kid in me comes bubbling to the surface.

Suddenly I want pictures of the giraffe, and I want to pet the zebras, and I want to feed the giraffe some of my lunch, and I want to run and kick like the zebras, and I want to take the giraffe to school with me and show “Tiny” off to all my friends, then come back the next day and take “Stripey and Stripey II” out to the playground to race that irritating little Kenny Davis who keeps winning all the recess races to see who is the fastest and then rubbing it in our faces, then have Tiny walk by the windows outside of Chemistry class just to see if that would stop that annoying Mr. Johnson from leaning back and wiggling against the gas spigots for the Bunsen Burners while lecturing, and then take Stripey and Stripey II to Mr. Clark’s sex education/reproductive health class, where every time he teaches it his face turns beets red, and ask him if zebras are what happens when a black horse and a white horse “love each other very much and want to have children . . .”


Luckily the cry of “that’s a wrap” brings me back to my world, so I don’t have to live through the childhood taunting of “Forrest and Sheila, sitting in a tree . . . ” just because I walked her home one day, just one freakin’ day man.

pinkelephantAnd besides, now I can enjoy the adult pleasures in life, like stopping off at the local watering hole and having a libation or two, and if I stay long enough, sometimes I see other animals besides giraffes and zebras.  You know, like pink elephants.  Whenever those show up, it’s time to call home and ask for a ride.

Well, maybe I did like Sheila just a little, but no way I’m gonna admit it to Kenny Davis.


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Forrest Brakeman

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports where he performed and served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).

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6 Responses to Giraffes And Zebras, Oh My!

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    June 22, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    I would not have left without the giraffe. Jill Y would not have been happy but there’s more chance of getting another Jill Y than another giraffe and that’s math or something.

    • June 22, 2015 at 7:16 pm

      Couldn’t fit the damned thing in the minivan.

  2. June 19, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    The sex Ed zebra question is a gem that all kids should ask!

    • June 19, 2015 at 7:30 pm

      It was so much fun to make that man blush.

  3. Bill Spencer
    June 19, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Kenny Davis might’ve been faster of foot, but I’m sure you’re quicker of wit.
    Don’t ever grow up.

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