I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side | HumorOutcasts

I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side

September 8, 2015

Jesus - Jesus and meIsn’t that just divine? No need to worship me just because it turns out I’m probably a direct descendant of the Son of God.  This really won’t change me in any way. I’m still the same old Tim you always knew – only holier. Hey, if you’re really nice to me, I just might put in a good word for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Could come in handy on Judgment Day if you’re on the bubble.

Okay, perhaps this is getting to my head just a bit. Actually, I’m directly related, through my great grandfather on my mother’s side of the family. From the research I have done, I am fairly sure I’m a direct descendant of Christ. I mean, look at our profiles. I totally have his chin.

Turns out all that stuff about Jesus being a bachelor was bogus – probably made up by some sexist apostle with a chip on his shoulder about women. According to a Harvard scholar (and Harvard scholars are never wrong), they have deciphered a small fragment of faded papyrus that contains incontrovertible evidence that Jesus may or may not have been married. The text, written in the ancient Coptic language (the language of the ancient cops) shows Jesus referring to my wife and goes on to mention that my wife is able to be my disciple.

Jesus - papyrus textThe text fragment (seen here at right), is only 1.5 by 3 inches – roughly the size of a business card. Some scholars believe it may have actually been an ancient business card because the reverse side reads Ezekiel’s Kosher Deli – Nobody beats our prices on olives and figs. Buy four bags of barley, get the fifth bag free – Family-owned since 87 BC.

A few irate Vatican priests vociferously dispute that this tiny scrap of papyrus, likely written a couple hundred years after Christ’s death, is any proof that Jesus was married. Of course, can you blame those priests for taking that stance? How would you feel if you found out you’d sworn off sex for centuries for no good reason? Naturally, they’re a little pissed off. Probably in the denial stage. Please don’t ask how the nuns are taking this news. Not good. Not good.

Biblical scholars have uncovered several additional scraps of papyrus from the same time period, which reveal startling details about Jesus’ married life. Turns out his wife was named Megan (Mary’s younger, prettier sister). They had two rambunctious kids, Trevor and Judy (I’m guessing named after her birthplace, Judea).

The family’s home was a bit of a fixer-upper, with a peak-a-boo view of dirt, rocks and goats.  Tuesday was trash collection day. Jesus took Trevor to chariot racing practice on Thursdays (Jesus complained the coach never gave Trevor enough playing time) and took Judy to pottery class on Fridays – but only if they were done with their Old Testament recitation homework. The texts indicate they were strict parents, not letting their kids go on rock-throwing or goat-petting play dates on school nights. Megan was active in the Bethlehem Boosters Club, sometimes helping out as a camel crossing guard at their kids’ school, the Sea of Galilee Early Christian Academy.

There was one fascinating scrap of text which suggests that Jesus briefly played striker on a rec soccer team called the Holy Grails, but scholars question the authenticity of this passage since it goes on to mention that Jesus considered Germany overrated and felt the smart money was on Spain in the World Cup.

Jesus - with his wife - emailThe authenticated texts portray Jesus as a doting husband – despite his annoying habit of conveniently forgetting to milk the goats unless Megan nagged him. And the ancient texts paint a picture of Jesus as an involved dad, telling his kids whimsical bedtime stories of walking on water and turning water into wine. He had quite the fanciful imagination.

So how does all of this prove I’m related to Jesus? It’s right there on another ancient papyrus scrap scholars found in the catacombs below an ancient Jerusalem 7-Eleven, which reads, And Jesus and Megan begat Judy, who begat Shelby, who begat … well, to be honest, the list of begats goes on for a while, but the last one says: and Betty and Robert shall beget the blessed Timothy who shall be swaddled and found in a bleacher. For he shall be wiser than his three elder brethren, and lo, all who know him shall bow down to him as if unto me.

That’s a loose translation, done by a guy I know named Bernie, who took two semesters of Latin in high school and once was a Cop. Another translation, by Dartmouth scholars (to which I give no credence because they are not from Harvard), claims a more accurate translation of this same passage is, and Jesus wept. I’m going with the first translation.

Pretty amazing, I know. It’s all there on that scrap of sacred ancient papyrus. I can’t actually prove I’m the great-great-great-great-great-great…… (insert 105 more greats) grandson of Jesus because DNA samples don’t exist from his time. So you’re just going to have to take my word for it. If I were you, I’d start acting really nice to me from now on. Why take chances, is all I’m saying. Now, go in peace, my children.

















Tim Jones

Tim Jones is a humor writer based in Seattle and the one person to blame for the humor blog View from the Bleachers. Tim ponders important issues like “are all teenage daughters evil?” and “why does Montana hate me?” and “can your dishwasher destroy your marriage?” Tim’s not afraid to tackle controversial issues. He was the first techno-religion expert to conduct a side-by-side comparison of the iPad and Jesus Christ. From Politics to Parenting to Pop culture, if the subject begins with the letter P, Tim has something profoundly uninformed to say about it.

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3 Responses to I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side

  1. PFHardie
    September 10, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Well, I have some crosses to bear, so count me as a relative.

  2. September 8, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    I just found out I’m part Jewish. We’re probably cousins.

  3. September 8, 2015 at 9:48 am

    Call me crazy but I see that family resemblance. And as someone who took three years of Latin in High School, I put more faith in Bernie than the Harvard guy too.

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