Know Thyself (Without Breaking the Bank)

WHAT POISONOUS ARACHNID ARE YOU?

I got Brown Recluse Spider.

Thanks to advances in Internet technology, we’ve long had the ability to listen to music, watch videos and do research free of charge. Now there’s a new kid on the Free Stuff block — Self-Knowledge. Talk about a game-changer. Why send your therapist’s kids to private school when you can get all the answers online? For free. It sounds too good to be true, but in one week, I learned everything I needed to know about myself simply by taking social media quizzes. Never has enlightenment been so easy. You find a quiz on Facebook, answer nine questions related to the subject, and boom, out pops another revealing piece of your personal puzzle.

Some of my results:

WHAT SODA ARE YOU?

I got Coke Zero.

WHAT INTERNATIONAL GOTHIC ARTIST ARE YOU?

I got Tilman Riemenschneider.

WHAT COMMUNICABLE DISEASE ARE YOU?

I got diphtheria.

WHAT UTENSIL ARE YOU?

I got soup spoon.

WHAT POEM ARE YOU?

I got “Howl.”

WHAT MOURNFUL CRY ARE YOU?

I got howl.

You get the idea. The more quizzes you take, the more doors you unlock. For twenty years, I had been using the man-sized bars of Safeguard. Then I took the soap quiz and lo and behold…

I got Dove.

Which naturally influenced the result of the next quiz:

WHAT FAT BIRD ARE YOU?

After fifty-seven quizzes, I have more self-knowledge than I know what to do with, the only glitch being that there is an enormous amount of information to retain. The other day I was looking for a new place to live, but I suddenly forgot — am I ‘rent’ or am I “buy?”  On my last trip to the mall, I couldn’t remember if I was “freeway” or “surface streets” and wound up crashing into the median divider. Feeling stiffness in my neck, I then drew a blank as to whether I was “orthopedist” or “chiropractor.”  I saw my world starting to unravel when I suddenly realized that all the answers were on my smart phone — I just needed to check Facebook. Quickly going to log in…

I got empty battery.

Which made perfect sense, because twenty-two quizzes ago I had been asked…

WHAT PHONE ARE YOU?

I got landline. 

I soon realized that the abundant riches of self-knowledge had become a lot for me to manage. One day, tired of berating myself for not remembering what casual shoe I was, I started to look for help.  As luck it would have it, I located a professional on Craig’s List who calls himself a “Social Media Response Organizer.”  There’s no Internet test he hasn’t seen, no answer that fazes him. In less than half an hour, Dr. Quiz outfitted me with a lightweight digital wristband housing my entire history of answers. Then we met for three sessions to make sure I’m applying everything I’ve learned — all for only $1800.   Pleased with my progress, I decided to celebrate by taking one more quiz.

WHAT PERSONALITY TYPE ARE YOU?

I got schmuck.

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