Needlegate Shocks World Knitting

Hot on the heels of the “Deflategate” scandal at the New England Patriots in the NFL, competitive knitting has been rocked by the revelation that the world champions, The Woolly Mammoths, might have applied the lubricant WD-40 to their knitting needles before competitions.

The use of artificial needle lubricants is not allowed because it enhances knitting speed. Competitors can use natural sheep grease, which is applied to needles to prevent sparks. Sheep grease was introduced in 1968 when sparks ignited a knitter’s cable stitching.

“This is most serious allegation we’ve had to face in more than 100 years of competitive knitting,” said Elmyra Johnson, Chair of the National Knitting Federation (NKF). Johnson was captain of the famous Angora Red Sox team that won three Super Basket trophies.

In a press conference earlier today the Woolly Mammoths captain, Ethel Marcella, said that as far as she knows her team has never used the performance enhancing lubricant. The Mammoths won this year’s Super Basket.

The NKF has launched an investigation, and will question the Mammoths’ equipment assistant, and check Woolly Mammoth text messages.

If the allegations are found to be true, 62-year-old Marcella, one of the world’s leading knitters, could face suspension from all competitions. Marcella’s Church Knitting Circle has already decided to suspend her pending the outcome of the NKF investigation.

According to Johnson, Needlegate could be even worse than the EaryGreygate scandal that hit world knitting 10 years ago, when it was found that knitters had been secretly drinking Earl Grey tea to keep them awake during long tournaments.

Picture: Wikimedia