I’m not someone you should listen to for ideas about many things, including investing money. Last year I followed the advice of a friend, who said I should invest in an IRA. Next thing I know all my money is being controlled by some shady terrorist group in Northern Ireland. But when it comes to the horrors of flying and ideas for eliminating those horrors, you definitely should listen up.
Picture this. You’re on a long flight from London To Chicago. You’re famished because you’ve only eaten a bag of peanuts. The guy on your right has his tray table down and his fake teeth are resting in cup of seltzer water. The teenager on your left has a foot up on her tray table and is clipping her toenails. But it’s all good because you just passed over New York City, so you only have two hours left.
And then it happens. A drunk guy four rows up starts going off. He starts yelling at a 14 year old girl. He slaps at his soon-to-be-ex wife when she tries to calm him down but misses because he went for the second face, the one on the right. He’s waving his arms and shouting obscenities. Dog The Bounty Hunter isn’t around to save the day because he’s down in Mexico trying to find El Chapo. It takes four passengers and three flight attendants to subdue the guy.
The dentures and toenails now seem quaint, almost charming in their low-level offensiveness. Because your plane is definitely getting diverted. The pilot announces you’ll be landing in Cleveland to offload the Jim Beam Terrorist. You sulk in your seat, wondering if the belligerent guy isn’t really an actor working for a competing airline.
So, the tab for the airline is now:
*Additional fuel costs.
*Labor costs to reschedule passengers who miss their Chicago connection.
*Hotel costs for passengers who can’t get a connection.
*Hiring costs to replace yet another wave of flight attendants choosing early retirement.
I’ll never understand why airlines put up with this. But breathalyzing passengers prior to boarding or eliminating drinks on board probably won’t fly. That’s why I’m introducing the Get A Grip ™ armrest. It’s quite simple. The flight attendant taps a seat number into a computer and two clamp-like restraints rise from the armrests of 22B, where the now-subdued Jim Beam Terrorist is sitting and fuming. The clamps close, locking his wrists to the armrests. If it works on the electric chair, it’ll work on a narrow airplane seat. The attendant then places a noise cancelling motorcycle helmet with tinted visor over the guy’s head. Two seconds later he’s listening to the soothing sounds of the ocean.
The plane continues to Chicago. No one misses a flight. The once-terrorized but now bored 14-year old girl gets to bounce the uneaten grapes from her $5 Snack Box off the visor on the guy’s helmet. Best trip ever!
And yet another win-win for technology!
Or strap a chute on his back and then heave ho, out the do’.
I had a scary thought that you might be experimenting with these solutions in the comfort of your own home. But then I realized you would have a hard time typing. Great post…and maybe you should submit it to the airlines,they just have a bunch of kid hackers a million airline miles for telling them how they hacked into their computers!