Things No Man Should Be Saying To A Pregnant Woman — EVER

Oh, pregnancy. Such a beautiful time of change and transformation. The weight gain, swelling, and sleeplessness of carrying a growing life inside you is really something. Really. And if the loose joints, aching feet, and giant body aren’t enough fun in themselves, everyone suddenly thinks they have original wisecracks and great wisdom that they just  have to share. Even the opposite sex has something to say about pregnancy! A man takes great risk in speaking with a pregnant woman as pregnancy-free males are resented by swollen, aching women everywhere. If you dare to interrupt a woman waddling through yet another day of pregnancy, then at least save her the pains of jail time by refraining from statements below. It may just save your life.

Photo by Bring Back Words

You’re huge!

Oh, really? Thank you! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to compliment me on my enormous size. Honestly, I’ve been so preoccupied with not being able to see my own feet that I hadn’t even noticed I looked like a transexual Michelin Man with a 50lb stomach tumor. I’m so relieved you pointed this out to me! Maybe this is why it takes a pair of pliers to get pants up past my knees…

You Should Really (insert advice here)

It’s such a relief that someone who has NEVER been pregnant is willing to impart their deep insights and advice on pregnancy and childbirth. Wow. How is it that you know so much? Thank god I can turn to someone who knows so much about something they’ve never experienced. Here I’ve spent countless hours reading books and articles, consulting with healthcare professionals, and talking with experienced mothers so I can understand this crazy pregnant body and attempt to grasp the hell I’ll experience during childbirth, and yet I still couldn’t possibly know as much as you. You’re clearly a prophet channeling birth wisdom from some higher source. How lucky I am to know you!

You’re Gonna Eat/Drink THAT?

What? So being pregnant means that I’m magically able to be a fully-functional human being without the assistance of caffeine? While it’s hard to imagine why an expecting mother would need a meager cup of coffee after a whopping 4-5 hours of intermittent sleep, we still have our days. Believe it or not, I have a medical professional I can turn to for information on these kinds of things, so I’ve got it handled. As for the chocolate sitting on my desk? Well, those are actually anti-depressants that keep me smiling despite the fact that I’m more manatee than human. Mention anything about how they’re contributing to my baby blubber and my feel-good endorphins will be replaced by the sinister darkness lurking within my sweltering heat of my swollen, aching limbs.

You Look Like You’re Ready To Pop!

The moment has finally come. My belly is packed so tight that it just can’t take the pressure anymore. With a final sucker punch to the navel from my dear sweet 40 week old fetus, my stomach suddenly splits into an explosion of placenta and uterus that sends my blood-stained baby shooting across the room, only for the umbilical cord to slingshot it back and into my open arms. It finally happened! I finally popped!

Let’s get one thing straight. Balloons pop, not people. I don’t know who get the bright idea to compare a swollen, emotional, woman to a balloon, but some idiot went ahead and said it. Every pregnant woman hears this every day of the last trimester, so it’s time you stopped thinking you’re being friendly or saying something funny and original. This ridiculous cliché statement is long overdue in going 6 feet under. The thought of pushing 7-10lbs of skin and bones through my own body is disturbing enough, and no Tarantino-inspired birth vision is going to soothe my frazzled nerves or  ease my anxieties. Be original by actually saying something original about something you may have even a remote understanding of. Then it won’t be so hard for me to fake a smile.

The Pain Begins

You Look Tired

I do? That’s strange, because carrying around an extra 40lbs has been a breeze. And my tight, swollen, puffy legs make everyday walking and standing so easy. I’m even sleeping better than ever thanks to having a body IN my own body. A body that gets dibs on ALL nutritional needs and even sucks calcium from my bones to ensure my parental suffering continues with the osteoporosis of elderly years. And all the fatigue and physical trauma of carrying this precious bundle comes without the simple courtesy of letting my already-fluffy love handles be. But the pleasure doesn’t end there! Everyone’s being so nice by telling me how huge I am, and calling me every single day to ask when I’m finally having this baby. There’s nothing tiring about that. I guess I must just be experiencing rapid-aging from carrying around a human parasite that takes priority over my own body’s needs. But I’m sure you have some more wisdom that will shed light on all this. Do tell!

Did You Have Morning Sickness?

We all know the communication and listening habits of men, which is precisely why I’m wondering WHY you’re asking me this question. I’ve gone weeks wishing that I’d be hit by a bus or get my scarf caught in a ceiling fan so that I would be put out of my hellacious nauseating misery. I ate nothing but lemons, guzzled seltzer water, and gobbled medicinal herbs like candy. And I still felt sick. Annnnnd I didn’t lose a single pound– so it wasn’t even worth it! In fact, I somehow managed to gain weight. You’re really expecting me to answer this question with a simple “yes” or “no?” There’s no way I’m summarizing this experience to a one word response, let alone a single sentence. Maybe you didn’t notice, but I’m a woman. A woman who likes to talk. A woman who is tired, emotional, nauseous, and resentful of all men who will never experience this hell we all call pregnancy. Don’t ask me this. In fact, don’t even talk to me. 

You Should Take The Drugs

This is really helpful! I’ve been looking for people who can tell me how to live my life based on their profound insights from our 2 minute break room chit-chats. And how fortunate I have you to share your wisdom based on hours of watching your woman labor during commercial breaks from the Packers game, and all the knowledge you have from those unopened pregnancy books still under your bed.

As a woman, I’ve endured work days with menstrual cramps that would have you calling for an ambulance to the ER. Considering that I’m about to go through what may be the most painful experience of my life, I really don’t need pain advice from someone that’s so debilitated by simple colds they’ll go all day without eating until dear mommy or wife shows up for care-giving. The day you can manage a sniffly-shuffle to the kitchen to open a can of soup, we’ll talk.  

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7 thoughts on “Things No Man Should Be Saying To A Pregnant Woman — EVER”

  1. You seem to have impressed both Forrest and Paul, and I’m sure they are dutifully grateful to you.

    I was never pregnant, and now it’s too late for me. That’s just as well, because just imagining it gives me hives.

    I wonder how all those old Spartan warriors learned to suffer pain without complaining. They must have had to concentrate really hard. It is the natural instinct of human males to turn into big babies whenever they are sick or anything hurts.

  2. Thank gawd I was never pregnant. I get cranky enough when merely sleep-deprived. I’ll have to remember some of your wonderfully sarcastic comebacks that apply to non-pregnancy situations…

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