New York, November 30, 2016 – President-elect Donald Trump announced in a press conference today that he plans to “repeal” welfare, replacing it with a new reality show called, “Who Wants To Be Financially Solvent?”
The former “Apprentice” host said he plans to also host this show directly from the White House. “We waste too much money on public assistance in this country. From now on, if you feel you need a handout, you can audition to be on ‘Who Wants to be Financially Solvent?’ If selected to be on the show, you’ll get to compete with others in categories like ‘Coupon Clipping,’ ‘Who Can Work the Most Jobs?’ and ‘How to Ask Your Dad for a Small Loan of One Million Dollars.’”
Trump explained the show will also teach important life skills, like how to afford caviar on a budget, how to become a millionaire simply by making your own coffee instead of buying it, and how to make the most of trust funds, loans from wealthy parents, and other inheritances. “Many people don’t know this about me, but I started my business empire with only a tiny loan of a million dollars for my dad. I also suffered setbacks, going bankrupt on several of my businesses. I feel your pain, middle class Americans, and I want to help you help yourselves. Instead of just giving people a handout, this show will teach people real skills, like getting by with only twenty minutes of sleep a night so you can work multiple jobs to make ends meet.”
When asked if large corporations, the biggest recipients of government welfare in the form of tax breaks and offshore-money loopholes, will also qualify for the show, Trump had no comment.