Bull market in pessimistic proclamations threatens nation-wide hand basket shortage

CHARLESTON, SC–During the annual meeting of the American Hand Basket Association, Dirk Dillion warned of a coming shortage in his industry: “We are simply not supplying enough product to meet the explosive American demand for proclaiming the country is going to hell in a hand basket.”

Hand basket demand typically spikes during Thanksgiving dinners when an estimated 5 million crabby uncles complain how the country is being ruined by kids today with their smart-ass phones.

However November supplies were all but depleted by Trump campaign lamentations about inner city gangs, Islamic terrorists, the dishonest media and Mexican rapists.

Since Trump’s inauguration, his critics have further exhausted supply with projections of the destruction the environment, the health care system and international order, as well as the advent of Nazi rule in America.

Chinese and Mexican producers typically ramp up production to meet the traditional Mother’s Day demand when children fill an estimated 2.5 million hand baskets with flowers as gifts for American Moms.

But Mr. Dillard worries foreign baskets will be priced out of reach for most Americans by the Trump administration’s punitive 20 percent import tariff.

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