Free Range Chicken | HumorOutcasts

Free Range Chicken

November 2, 2017

If some chicken is free range chicken, shouldn’t all the other chicken be called prisoner cell chicken, or jailbird chicken?

Did jailbird chickens break some law? I wonder how many innocent chickens have been convicted and executed. Were they read there Miranda rights, or at least accompanied by a nice Merlot? I bet a lot were doing time for minor crimes, like crossing the street.

If you like chicken, you should stick to jailbird chicken. You’re giving a job to an ex-convict – hop on this bbq and be my dinner.

With so many chickens doing time, you’d expect to run into more chicken gangs, and chickens with tattoos, like “I EAT BEEF”. You never see this. Unless you consider a bucket of KFC a chicken gang. Don’t laugh. I was cornered by a 20-piece bucket once, tried to eat my way out of trouble and felt like I’d been run over by a hundred chickens on Harley’s.

It’s surprising that some young, creative Hollywood director hasn’t taken up the jailbird chicken story. There’s a lot of meat there. Perhaps there’s a script floating around called Chicken Shank Redemption. “Get busy living or get busy roasting”.

Speaking of Chicken Shank Redemption, imagine how hard it must be doing your time, finally getting out, and you’re the menu. I just mighten want to stay locked up, if I was a chicken, that is. Maybe I would reoffend so as to stay locked up, and all. I would mosey out them prison gates, cross the street and knock off the nearest Popeyes. “Hey Warden, I prefer living to roasting”

Free rangers thing they have it great, but they don’t. Are they really free? Can they vote? Can they amass automatic weapons? Someone should tell them that the “range” in free range means the oven range.

“Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a chicken insane.”


I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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4 Responses to Free Range Chicken

  1. November 3, 2017 at 6:31 pm

    Is there poultry probation? I would be their probation officer.

    • November 5, 2017 at 5:32 pm

      Sure, but you can’t eat your client’s wings.

  2. Bill Spencer
    November 3, 2017 at 6:27 am

    Is any chicken really free? “Free” is just another word for nothing left to lose.

    And if you think range chicken is free, just try walking out of the store without paying for it. It’s NOT free, as the officer explained to me, no matter what the signs say.

    • November 5, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      Well, sometimes wings are almost free on wing night.

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