Dear Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop (EBWW) 2020:
Thank you for choosing Bon Mot as your personal moniker shopper. We appreciate the opportunity to help you choose the appellation that best accentuates your positives.
We spent the weekend browsing the hangers in your word closets in #virtualErma and private facebook group. Using proprietary algorithms, we culled the following arty creations for further analysis:
Ermite
Ermas
Ermazon
Erma Nation
These are all superior to the generic Hey you, Yo gurlfriend and Ladies! Ladies! However, if there can be only one, let it be Ermazon.
Ermazon, like the little black dress—a genre unto itself—is always the same yet each woman wears it differently. It calls, and EBWWers instantly prick up their ears, turn their heads and come to attention. Ermazon is elegant because it is a portmanteau word, a mash up of Erma and Amazons, the fierce female warriors of Greek antiquity. (And, isn’t it nice that Amazon sells books?) Just like the original Erma Bombeck herself, Ermazon is classy, amusing, and subversive.
Milking Ermazon yields Erma Zone, which is, of course, any place Ermazons gather together. (The dress code is generally casual: antique pajamas, oversized tee shirts, bunny slippers, and tiaras for a touch of glam.)
By contrast, Erma Nation is formal wear, for state occasions such as a keynote dinner at the Dayton Marriott: white tablecloths, wine glasses and diet-later cake. It evokes the collective pride that comes from belonging to this specific tribe. Erma Nation rolls easily off the tongue, sonorous and fruity, with amusing notes of pomp and circumstance. We’ve noticed the EBWW organizers use this tag frequently when communicating with participants. Carry on.
Ermite is popular in the various feeds, though honestly, we shake our heads. We hear the suffix –ite and see termites, unpleasant creepy-crawlies that live enclosed in muddy towers, exiting only to eat at their favorite restaurants, our homes. Ermite is functional like that polyester tracksuit you bought on sale which never quite fit but you keep using because hey, it’s “still good.” Kill that darling.
As an aside, the homonym Ermight (and variation Ermighty) might (ha) be clever on the page, but never in the ear (see above). It’s punny that our research in the feeds didn’t turn up either. But no matter. Two murders averted.
Ermas calls up ma and mothers and you’d think it would feel as cozy as an old sweatshirt. But it often doesn’t. A lot of people have awful mothers. Not all mothers love their children. Not everyone can be a mother, notably men. Like work clothes suitable for specific environments, Ermas fits only doting mamas dealing ironically with their rotten children.
In summary, we recommend Ermazon for daily wear and Erma Nation for special occasions. Erma Zone is our gift to you for making us laugh during #virtualErma.
Thank you for trusting Bon Mot to assist you with your word shopping needs. Refer us to a friend and we’ll cut 10% of your next draft, with a focus on adverbs and adjectives. (Excludes NaNoWriMo drafts. Other restrictions may apply.)
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Dedicated to EBWW2020 for giving me a much needed vacation from national politics over Halloween weekend.