This virus thing has us dropping like flies. “Stay home!” they say and if we have to be out, “Keep six feet away from each other!” You’re telling me, that if I see the babe who lives on the third floor out walking her shiatsu, and she’s just polished off another bottle of Courvoisier and is so blitzed and laden with lust, that she asks me for a quickie behind the dumpster, that I’m gonna say, “Sorry, but while my wand might be magic, there’s no way I can get it six feet long.”
It’s tough keeping safe with this Coronavirus hovering over us like a cloud of my Uncle Giuseppe’s gaseous effluvium, which by the way, is just as deadly. While the scientists toil to come up with cures and vaccines, which is much appreciated, it sure is taking long. I realize I’m a bit impatient but I can’t wait for life to get back to normal. It ain’t easy fantasizing about boffing your hot neighbor when you’re waiting for your lungs to implode.
So, I’ve come up with a solution to end this biblical plague by going to the book that made plagues popular – the Bible. Why not? Look at all the swell stuff we’ve gotten from it.
God
We all know that God is who you ask when you’ve asked everyone else and still have questions about life and death because you’re too lazy or stupid to come up with answers yourself. In the Bible, we may find those types of explanations. Also, we’re taught that there’s a mystical magical being, who you can’t see or hear, but somehow will grant your wishes – healing a hangover, for example, or getting the cop who’s cuffing you to change his mind and let you go. Your prayer is rarely granted but it never stops you from asking.
Other popular requests are:
• Please, get me through this damn master’s thesis.
• Please, a little help with boning this chick. She’s so hot I don’t care that I don’t have a condom.
• Please, make this pregnancy test be negative.
• Please, make this STD test be negative.
Oh, just to be clear, sometimes people who are nearing sexual climax say, “Oh, God!” But that’s not really praying.
Holidays
• Christmas – The Bible teaches us that if we make the good list, Santa Claus will come and bring us stuff.
• Easter – Another magical being, a big bunny, a symbol of rebirth, gives us eggs and chocolate.
• Hanukkah: No magical being here. Just an enchanted candelabra like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast.
• Flag Day: The day I lost my virginity, which has nothing to do with the Bible but it was a very religious experience for me.
Entertainment
The Bible has many stories of sex, violence and fantastical allegories, which actually are the first fantasies ever told – even before The Wizard of Oz. Of course, the Bible was written long ago, so the language is kinda funny. It’s also very long. You can get abridged versions that use more modern language. Better still, there are film versions on Netflix.
Rules and Regulations
The Bible is filled with directives. The most important orders, The Ten Commandments, are demands carved in stone instructing us to behave like actual angels, where all we do is sit around the house – like we’re doing now.
The Answer
Supposedly, the only way to fight this thing is to keep away from each other. But is it? In the Bible, specifically, the Old Testament, written before the sequel, the New Testament, we find the answer.
Passover! Yet, another holiday but it sure worked for Charlton Heston or Moses or whomever – they look so much alike; I can never tell them apart. Anyway, Charlton Moses had his people smear lamb’s blood around their doorframes, so the plague, instigated by the very bald, Yul Pharaoh, would pass over them.
That was swell and all, but you’d still be stuffed in your house like a lab rat in a maze, edging toward hysterics, yearning to be free. For God’s sake, the plague was right outside their doors, just as it is now, waiting to enter your body. Remember the movie Alien? Well, this is a little different but just as effective.
So, let’s try this. The hell with the door thing. Google lamb’s blood or just check Amazon. (Forgive me PETA.) Order a bucket or two and smear some on your forehead. Once you’re bloodied up, step outside. Head over to a Coronavirus hotspot grocery store. Touch stuff and stick your fingers in your face. Inhale next to people. Lick things that don’t belong to you. Then wait a couple of weeks and see if you start coughing. I bet you don’t. I bet the Bible is right on the money on this one. After all, it’s the bestselling book of all time.
Gees, imagine the royalties.
More of my writing can be found here.
Interesting approach, but I’m seeking my own answers by binge-watching Doctor Who.
That’s a swell idea.