He Shot His Eye Out!

Ever wonder what happened to Ralphie, the child star of the beloved movie ‘The Christmas Story’? The one who absolutely had to have a Red Ryder BB gun from Santa for Christmas or he would just die? The one who everyone warned that he ‘would shoot his eye out?’.

 Yeah, THAT one!

Well, he really did shoot his eye out.

The photo here shows him in adulthood. 

After Ralphie’s fame as the star of Christmas Story faded, he became a disillusioned loner, poverty stricken, roaming from one end of Indianapolis to another (since the movie was actually filmed in Cleveland, he also roamed there too). He would sleep on the porch of the house they used in the movie, angering the actual residents. They constantly told him that they had only leased the use of the house for the film and that didn’t give him the right to crash there. Eventually they had to hire the two bullies from the movie, now grown up, to rough him up to make him leave.

His experience in the movie with the sexy, black nylon lamp that his father so adored and it’s destruction ruined his own sex life. He could only have relationships with women who wore the same sort of nylons themselves. They would soon leave him because he would ONLY have anything to do with them IF they were wearing the nylons ALL the time. It was just a little too kinky. He later would have to coerce downtown streetwalkers to don them for him and even they would leave him.

Eventually his old teacher from the movie (actually the actress playing the teacher) found out about him and took him in, carrying her role in the film to academy award best supporting actress levels had she actually still been in a movie, and setting him on the straight and narrow path to survival. He went back to being the Ralphie who we all knew and loved. He ended up joining the Army to get his life together.

Ralphie worked hard to be a very good citizen, becoming an Army Paratrooper and even a Yale Law School graduate. Unfortunately after that he went over to the looney side of the Force. He decided the government that he had served under was bad and that only ‘good’ people like Trump were fit to run it (even if he did run it into the ground). He became the Fuhrer of a party of misfits called the Oath Keepers. Sort of like the misfit toys in that other Christmas movie about the malformed reindeer; I forget his name…..

Ralphie had become so enthused with guns after he finally got his BB gun in the movie (Sorry, unintended spoiler there for the 2% of the American public who have not seen this film! I am really, really sorry! Honest! ) that he became a gun nut. He also got a rope, saddled up a posse of his fellow gunslingers, bought up a bunch of Red Ryder 200 shot BB guns for them. and headed for Washington. Taking Sith Lord Trump’s words literally they proceeded to march on the Capitol. USING MILITARY STYLE TACTICS the rosy cheeked cherubs innocently wandered into the Capitol SINGLE FILE ATTACK STYLE wearing camouflage uniforms and OPENLY CARRYING RIFLES. They were as sweet as kindergarteners going on a kiddie outing. Weren’t they just precious!!!! I just wanted to pinch their cheeks!

Ralphie and his friends also planned on doing other fun kid things like setting ambushes, buying up arms and stashing them, planning on moving the arms by boat, making roadblocks, attacking Pelosi, and having just a jolly time! To augment their fun they got themselves some chemical sprays, some hard-knuckle tactical gloves, tactical vests and other neat things that any good American boys would bring to a party!

This week the feckless leader himself was arrested and charged with a Civil War era law of sedition in the attack, a law that would give the players involved up to a 20 year prison sentence. Now he, as the notorious leader of the Oath Keepers gang, oops, excuse me, ‘patriots’ who stormed the Washington Capitol a year ago, are in deep doo-doo.

Asked to make a comment on his way into the courthouse Ralphie was asked if he thought the courts would send him to prison. “No way!” he stated emphatically. “Ah’s a true blood ‘merican! They can’t keep me down!”

“And what will you do if they let you go free?” asked the reporter.

“Invade Costa Rica!” he answered spontaneously.
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Author’s additional comment- The real life Oath Keeper, Stewart Rhodes, really did shoot his own eye out playing with a gun.
Also, and this is for real, the actor Peter Billingsley in the original ‘Christmas Story’ will be directing a sequel to the well loved classic!