If I had money to give away, you know what I’d do?
I’d write checks to a museum and maybe a zoo.
I’d sponsor research to end the Freedonian flu,
Those are just some of the wonderful things I would do.
If I had lots money—just rolling in cash–
I’d buy a table at the ballet’s charity bash.
I’d trade air-kisses with bone-thin socialites
And we’d dance ‘til janitors started flashing the lights.
Victims of mudslides and also tornados,
Would get gifts and grants, and no small potatoes.
Stray dogs and kittens, religious orders,
Groups that want to open or shut borders.
No, there’d be no end to my charity’s scope,
My largesse would fuel lots of dreams and hopes.
I’d give to the many, and not just the few–
Which means I wouldn’t give any to you.